Imaginary

Bigger Things

2012-03-03T01:40:00.000+08:00

Its almost 1.10am now. And I kinda just got home. It really has been a roller coaster ride the past day. All the nerves and angst before, and during the release of A's results were pretty intense. It was an insight into many things. I'm not going to say much about the results. Grats to those who did well. And for all the others, move on, cause we're all made for something bigger.

To those who were there for you, really really appreciate it. This is going out to Samantha (thank you so so much, impressed and touched that you kept your year-long promise), LingFang, Denise, Hiusheung, Jiaen, Nurul, Jasmine. And also to Jiaxin, Jianle, Glen, Sabs, and everybody else. And, goldfish too.

So, that was kinda a mix of relief and slight (?) disappointment, and pride and joy for others. And being grateful and thankful for those around.

Then it was pretty much off to AK for public coach training, which I am glad to say that I'm proud to have went. It was a great distractor from the whole results issue, learnt new things, and made new friends too. Gained numerous insight too. I'm actually pretty hyped and thrilled to get started with public coaching. Yes, its probably one of the worst paying jobs in the world, with long hours, lack of sleep, the neverending energy output etc etc etc, but I'm so sure it's gonna be the most heart-paying jobs in the world, ever. Nothing can quite beat that.

So, that was kinda abit of numbness, excitement, high, thrill, tiredness.

And then a last minute decision to head to the hospice to visit. Couple of more days left. Its always death that really wakes you. It was the first time that I've been to a hospice and I would say that it was, hm, interesting. I never had good impressions of hospices, but this was bright, homely, and really, i dont know how to describe it either. But alright, the words are not exactly turning out right. Oh well. And so that was kinda like, calm, and, idk.

But alright. Its been a freakin' tiring day. I'm crossing my fingers hoping that I'll sleep in tomorrow. Right through the afternoon.

Its been at the back of my mind the whole time, but really, a really huge thank you.

Leaps

2012-02-29T11:58:00.000+08:00

Rare days, leaps as such. But its been a great day out. Bumpy rides but generally pretty alright I suppose.

Great food places and the atmosphere and the memories. All clumped together. The past few days too. Timbre, Food For Thought, and a few others. Mhm. Imo, loads of people been crowding Timbre too often, somehow. Never fail to see a familiar face there. But nice place to hang out though.

AK Coach training over the weekend was actually pretty fun I would say. It was something like Superkids Level Two. Good exposure too there. Back to TA jobs tomorrow and the upcoming week. I've to say that I actually miss the job, gosh.

And Friday. There.

Happy leap (:

It's Worth Talking About

2012-02-20T13:41:00.001+08:00

My shoulders are stinging from sunburns. Its been a pretty long while since I've been under the scorching hot sun by the beach. And I really do quite miss it. Especially those times on the kayaks.

Anyway, a couple of us went for NTU's Surf And Sweat event yesterday. Joined Surf and Hunt and I'd say it was no joke. Losers at knowing our way around Sentosa island, but brilliant at playing the game smart. Exco Infinity's route planning owns. It was draining but pretty fulfilling managing to complete whatever we were supposed to. Always good have a day by the beach and around and about once in a while. Pretty refreshing.

Working for AK's public IAG preview has been rewarding. Weekends, but worth it. The most common-sensical thing becomes so intrinsic. Arranging chairs down to the centimeter and sticking masking tape the right way according to gravity. Like whut. But every session has been an eye-opener. Oh yes, talk about dealing with anal parents, got to get our way around them too. And despite times it felt like such a bummer not doing TA for this period of time, got to suck it up, can't always be getting my way around. But things have been looking up. Public coaching training this coming weekend. Full days. But thats the price to pay, small one, for something bigger. Well, you gain some and you lose some. Move on and look ahead. Bigger things ahead.

I think today's been the first weekday since the hols that I slept till near 12 noon. Everyday's been packed and sometimes we all need some alone time to recover. The days have been stumbling, falling into each other sometimes everything becomes a blur.

Like, when you look at a person, you don't just see who he/she is. You see all the memories attached to them. The bridges you walked, the roads you crossed, the chairs you sat, the tables your fingers drummed, the steps your feet stepped on, the spoons your tongue glazed, the lights shining in your eyes. You look at a person and it isnt just the shirt shorts shoes you see, its the voice, the memories, the scent, the sounds, the touch, the moves that you see.

And by Murphy's Law, its always the best of days that seemed the shortest when you're living the day. But these are the days that become the longest on hindsight. You recall every second of that certain day and each minute comes pouring out of your mouth with such enthusiasm leaving yourself breathless just thinking about the events of those days. These best days, your inner body clock slows so much wanting the events to last, that the outer clock, the real one, seems to be rocketing by. But they're the longest days, as if you can never finish talking about what happened, where you were, who you were with, what you are, what you saw, what you said etc. And the worst of days, stuck in the jam, in a class, with someone you don't like etc, stretches out beyond the horizon, as if its never gonna end. Your inner body clock speeds mad, wanting the the day to pass in a blink. It speeds up so much making the outer clock, the real one, seem to be crawling like a lobster, or a snail (but that's cliche, hence the lobster). But then again, these are the days that are the fastest on hindsight. No memories, nothing to recount, these days get reduced to zilch, almost non-existent. But then again who's to erase those 24 hours from the calendar. It did happen, but gets reduced to nothing in your memory.

You want to live longer? On hindsight at the very least. Make it worth remembering. Packed those days. Find yourself trying to catch your breath recounting the days. Make it worth talking about, the days, the events, the words, the times, the people.

Shades.

2012-02-16T01:11:00.002+08:00

So glad I'm back to watching The Voice. Love the raw talent. And absolutely love the judges' swag and style and bickering. It never fails to blow me away every single time. The Blind Auditions especially. Good thing the coaches are having 12 on each team now, meaning the auditions are slightly longer #ohyeah. Ohthejoy there. Helps with making the night slightly easier to pass. Purrfect the cat is an interesting addition.

I think books fill this certain emptiness that nothing else can fill. I really do need to get back to reading there. And I've got books in boxes yet. Expectations and MobyDick. (Y)

Glad you like the PaulFrank letter hahah, penpals #letstrythis. Considering how we're so similar, knew that would work. Sorry it was slightly lagged though, had to work with priorities. But glad it got through too.

And, I need to get back to paddling soon. I think it would help a whole load with venting. Drowns. SPC's been giving me the leads and all. Should try the OC, something new there. Good change. Should still keep the K/T in sight though. Need companions to paddle sometimes, though, anyone? Good to have company, just, in case.

And I’m going to be stronger, and I’m going to say hello toa freakin early day for nothing, and I’m going to tell myself that its alright,and its okay, cause I’m stronger now and I can deal with it. That its justanother day and I can work something out. I know where I stand. I thought I knew but I didn't. But now I do.

Eros and Psyche

2012-02-14T23:00:00.004+08:00

Today I saw too many couples, everywhere. With balloons, chocolates, cakes, bouquets of roses. Literally everywhere. Cliched, but there's some sort of sweetness to it. Why couldn't it be on any other normal day. I don't quite think our brains need special reminders on a certain day for acts of love. But alright, good this day exists. Wakes people up.

So glad everything went well there. The smile. Level 2.5.

Post-its.

Bottles.

Waffles.

And yes, Happy Valentine's (: Nothing comes easy.

Lego.

2012-02-11T21:02:00.002+08:00

I'd say finally heading back to the lanes felt good. It was a pretty last minute, and rushed plan to bowl a couple of games before College Bowl today, just so the games wouldn't be too screwed up. And I'm pretty glad that it went relatively alright. Good job to the exco and the team and the emcees, great that we had fun and everything else went quite alright.

I went hiking with my dad a couple of days back, and I would say it was indeed an experience. It wasn't an easy feat, having to finish the last couple of stretches of terrain with a busted hip and knee, but it was worth the while. I really do appreciate the effort he's putting in, making up for lost years and all. And I can get used to having more of those walks/hikes in time to come.

Really need to pick up the momentum to read and finish up with the bulk of books I have lying around.

Its thrilling when we learn new things during Aikido classes. Handling the ken yesterday was no easy feat. Those aspiring Samurais, think twice. Balancing and having just the right amount of force applied on both hands, arms and the handle, to the blade. Having bring it down in a straight line. Mean task through and through. But the ken suburis were cool to practice, especially for the first time.

I love my job, I really do. The nature of it, the progress, the pay, and the people.

I'll build you up.

2012-02-09T02:12:00.002+08:00

And the truth hurts. 19 years.

Freakin loser.

You Walk The Same Corridors

2012-02-07T23:25:00.000+08:00

It is unlike returning to a place you've been to for a good part of your life during an event, or when you have to, or when you get invited back.

It is returning to it out of spontaneity, of unplanned schedules. Just cause you happen to be there cause somehow, you ended up there.

And you walk the same corridors you use to walk and try, desperately finding the footsteps of the younger you. Try to find the memories latched onto every of those steps you took before. Up the stairs, round the corner, through certain doorways, down the same corridor you use to walk.

Your fingers play the notes of every one and another before you. The sounds and the notes, the same ones, from different fingers, minds, hearts. The same notes. But you wish yours would be just a tad bit different. To tell the tale you wish your notes would. After years of wait. For the right time, the right light and just the right air for your notes to jump.

You Feel Your Shadow At Its Darkest

2012-02-05T17:17:00.000+08:00

Its been a pretty eventful period. Its already Feb and Im pretty glad to say that Jan has been going rather alright, though we all have our fair share of emotional roller coasters and back to back 36 hour days.

The first month of work was rather interesting, considering I only worked 7 days of the 31 days January had. Guess thats the nature of the job, and I like it. But its been fulfilling thus far. Cliched but the frequency, or rather, lack of frequency of working doesn't quite define your ability at it. It was a rewarding glimpse into the working world, in the most subtle ways, being recognized for the smallest things and having yourself made known to the trainers and office peeps. Really a much needed breath of fresh air just as I thought I was losing interest (to think I just mentioned I worked only 7 days.) But nah, hanging on tight there. And, realizing how thankful I am for the working hours it further reassured, or sometimes, caused me great distress, that my future job, the real deal, cannot be at a desk behind some screen for anything longer than 5 hours, it'll burn. And its good having great co-workers and friends on the job too.

And Chinese New Year's about to come to an end, tomorrow, that is. But its been one great catch-up session. Though I'd say the visiting and cny-hooha died down a great deal over my side this year. Maybe its all the unnecessary drama between the generations, or the miscommunications and whatnot. But between all of that, the rest was great, meeting the cousins, the older ones and the young lil' kiddos. Worth it entirely. Lewis is so much taller, flying goodbye kisses. Janice's finally walking. Kai's saliva spammed goodbye kiss (: The visit to JB this year stood out the most I'd say. Finally being able to watch firecrackers, the real stuff, going off just a couple of metres away from you, and having the empty pellets landing right in front of you. And setting off those mini firecracker things on the ground and watching the young cousins run back after setting it on the ground. All happening on sea-side kelong restaurant. #brilliant. The videos and photos will never do the experience justice. But it will suffice till the next time.

On Friday a couple of us seniores, graduates and hard-to-contacts went to Suntec to crash the juniors' mass dance session. Fifth session there, and every year's just so different. The context, the company, the atmosphere, the attitude. But the spirit kinda doesn't. Though I think they ended pretty early this year. I remember 2008's Zenith. I remember 2009's Infinity (I THINK). I remember 2010's Orientation X. 2011's Chapter 11: Enchantus. And now 2012's - I'm not too sure what the theme is. But I know its some galaxy planet themed orientation with clan names starting with V. And at Suntec I was just reminded of all the past 4 orientations that I've been directly involved in. It was nostalgic, to say the least. 2009's running to Carrefour stood out the most. Then 2008's great OGLs.

And on Saturday's ONite. Tbh I don't have strong impressions of ONite except for 2010's OG1 was brilliant. And again. Atmosphere, context, company. It was nice seeing the seniors from your orientation crashing the new orientations that you're crashing. Even if you don't remember the names, just the faces.

A couple of days ago, met up with the HK trip peeps and had dimsum dinner while planning the places to visit and to shop and etc. It was a great meet up, great dinner as well. Great post-dinner there too. Looking forward to the trip, fingers crossed there.

Mom just got back from France and she got really great chocs. Shall wait till this seemingly stubborn half existent sorethroat/cough thing totally disappears before anything. Remy Martin & Fauchon (Y)

Its been back to back late nights and early days. Sleeping at 2.30 and waking at 7 for a driving class is totally not a good idea. Been there, done that, bad idea. But that aside, lessons have been going great, before schedule, hopefully. Got promises to keep and expectations to live up to.

Love it when the stuff you order online arrives at your place. All safe and sound. The most recent was two books I got from Book Depository. Love how they have free shipping. It was definitely a great surprise seeing the packages on your bed after returning home from a long day. I Wrote This For You.

"And I touch the things you used to touch, trying to find echoes of your fingers"

Sick.

2012-01-29T14:21:00.002+08:00

Y'know what I see as pretty unacceptable. Hurting the cause. Then leaving. Then coming right back and apologizing to the scars and open wounds. I do not see the sense. But somehow, I understand it. And in a way, there's something sane there. As sick as it is.

Remembering.

2012-01-29T12:31:00.001+08:00

You know, some smells some sights some flavours, they trigger this thing in you. This thing, it tugs and pull and it hurts, sometimes. This thing it flies and swims and runs and sprints and it brings you beyond the highest clouds and it just brings a smile to your face, sometimes. This thing, it makes you wonder what you're doing there and not elsewhere and not anywhere else where you want more to be at.

This thing.

A Little Adventure, A Little Rebellion

2012-01-20T23:37:00.002+08:00

These days have been spent catching up with quality time promised and due. Though I haven't quite gotten my butt around watching movies and series and all, and I think I should soon, while I can. Also spent quite a bit of time round driving lessons and work schedules and all the in between time. (And I sometimes wonder where all that time flew to. Its too fast, my goodness.)

Jan's about to end. Maybe what makes everything pass even faster's the fact that Chinese New Year follows right up behind New Year, and New Year follows right up behind Christmas and they all roll into each other and just gets all jumbled up. (And maybe that's why there are some CNY songs that are in the tune of Christmas carols, maybe some people miss Christmas already)

Finally embarked on what I've been wanting to do, heading to Henderson Student Care to tuition the kids there for free as part of volunteering. I did want to head to CSLMCH and my application as a volunteer there has already been approved. But considering the distance and timing and all, maybe starting nearer would be ideal. Till I get better at this, before heading out further. I did promise the kids I'll be back someday, and ain't intending to break that promise there. Made new friends at HSC and okay, I've got to admit that it isn't easy teaching them, they're a handful. I've got to rethink my plan on joining a primary school if I ever go down the road of teaching. But then again, these are needy kids, so okay, might be slightly different there. Was really proud I managed to finish 2 pages of Grammar and revise Spelling thrice in like what, one and a half hours, my goodness.

Driving's been pretty cool thus far. Beats driving in the arcade (Hahah lol) hands down. Really glad that I've been getting awesome funny friendly instructors these days. Though I've got to admit planning the driving schedules around everything else isnt easy at all. But okay, for what I've been talking about for an entire year before, I shall just press on with sorting out the madass packed and messy schedule.

Working at AKLTG has been going well too. Bringing people you're close to onboard. Having them around and working together. But okay, frankly, its really on your own most of the time. Had an event at Serangoon Garden Sec on Monday and it was one hell of an experience (in a good way) Love how the kids get so intrigued with the sound system and fiddling with the bass and treble and volume control and trying so hard to max the volume not knowing I've got my fingers on the master volume control. Love how they ask to play certain songs and ask for it to be louder to hype them up (which is not a good idea with Sec 1 kids cos' they're mad energetic already) There's this huge reshuffling going these couple of weeks with people leaving and taking over and changing the system and whatnot but alright, hope its for the better. And if all goes well, think I'll try dabbling with coaching assignments too, that'll be pretty fun.

Second Aikido class of the year and its going brilliant thus far. What makes it exceptionally great today was the fact sensei came back today to coach. I haven't seen him for more than a year. The feeling was amazing, near indescribable. Pretty honoured to have him mention the whole "y'know when I first started coaching here at UPCC there were only three kids, and she's one of them" a gazillion times. But alright, it was timely reminder that its been nearly 10 years since that first lesson and its crazy how he hasn't changed a single bit. Still that unique sense of humour and I'm finally, only now, appreciating. That whole "you've got to repeat the move _____ times to get it right". What did change was, I remember it being having to repeat the move 1 million times. But today he said 3 million. But oh well, alright, 3 million it is. It took him 48 years to reach what, 4 million? We'll have fun on the way. I've got to admit I feel old among the rest. Not thattt kind of old, but old-ish. Okay, nevermind there. And what better way to re-start training proper with sensei himself paying for the new gi I'm wearing now. #toobrilliant. Its pretty insane. And I cannot imagine myself joining another association, joining and following another coach (hence scrapping the idea of joining the aikido group in uni). And I cannot imagine going for training without him there. That will truly be too painful, even thinking about it doesn't feel good. But yes, I'm back, finally, ohyeah.

And yes, old friends really do die hard. Forget the crap. But sometimes when you really do need someone to hear all your shit crap, they're there. Theres a certain magic old friends have and it just won't go away, for nuts.

Up next. I need to wrap my other books. Finish the one I'm devouring currently. Get around watching shows. GET BACK TO BOWLING. Fish time out to head back to school for lunch and to crash trainings.

Today, I learnt that VANS ain't waterproof, learnt that standing on road dividers in the pouring rain in the right mood can actually be so enjoyable, learnt that crying is actually so darn easy.

Not Be

2012-01-19T23:58:00.002+08:00

Even heroes get hurt, easily. By small things.

Even heroes cry.

Even heroes bleed.

Even heroes bruise.

Even heroes watch people walk away from them.

Even heroes get disappointed.

Even heroes cry to sleep.

Even heroes wonder if they can not be one.

Beautiful Soul

2012-01-16T10:38:00.000+08:00

When nothing's gonna change at all, I can see it on your face. But if you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.

Pretty rare for a morning one. But there.

Another busy week down, fulfilling nevertheless, with the new experiences, insight and its own set of challenges.

For one, mass spring cleaning at home. Know it might not look any different (my room's insanely messy now cause I've been too lazy to put things away), but the things under the bed, in the cupboards, all boxed and sent to the store, to store.

Job shadowing at Sports School was pretty awesome. At least, having the extra hands to do some of the work will always be welcomed. But alright, back to settling stuff alone this time round. Serangoon Garden Sec today. #bringiton. Anyway, touring SSS with great people was definitely a great insight. New experience there. The facilities, the layout, the everything. Reminds me of UTown and RC though.

Bowling gathering at Jasmine's place was pretty cool, to say the least. Having seven generations of bowlers gathered together was cool stuff. It was great to see familiar faces, hear familiar voices all over again. Really appreciate all the effort that went into planning the entire gathering there. Games, location, food and all. For everything that wasn't worth remembering, the rest went alright.

Okay, I'm tired, already.

Of spy missions, hide and seek, spy headquarters, game overs and etc. Overwhelming.

"Heaven, hell, limbo, no one really knows where we're going or what's waiting for us when we get there. But the one thing we can say for sure, with absolute certainty, that's there are moments that take us to another place, moments of heaven on earth. And maybe for now, that's all we need to know."

To Nights

2012-01-13T01:52:00.001+08:00

There really is something magical, mysterious and all so attractive about stepping into a house with everyone already asleep, and its just you, and darkness everywhere.

Its been a busy and hectic week thus far, though I'm pretty glad that I've managed to set aside time for the importants, the worthy and the un-neglect-ables. Not out of goodwill nor out of obligation, but of desires and hearts.

For one, school started proper for the J2s. Its amazing, really, how time jets through everything and the kids you saw three, four years ago, still kids, just slightly older now, entering yet another phase of forever. And wanting so much to be there just to lend a tiny helping hand, guiding shoulder, anything. Just to be part of it. Its not gonna be easy, but puff your chests out, chin up, and hang in there aight.

I've also took a tiny break from work, stopped with events this week, though there's one coming right up tomorrow. Good break nevertheless, freed up some time for other things. Im pretty darn thrilled about heading back to the event tomorrow. Thats the hidden joy of this job, you really, never know what you're in for, the crises, the people, the trainers, the music, the kids, everything. Amazing stuff there. Packed a couple more events next week. Fingers tightly crossed that I'll manage to get new year clothes this weekend, if not its gonna be pretty screwed.

BTT was over in a blink of an eye on Monday. It was truly a new experience. Pretty interesting there. Having do a test on touch screen, queueing to get the PDL and all that. What feels better, is being able to do what you've wanted to do for a really long time, being able to better the others, and your expectations, and share the joy with those close. Its amazing what a smile can do.

First days of school will always be nervy, abit unsettling and not too comfortable all the same. But simple things make it better, new stationery, pencilcases, and lunchboxes. Does the trick just right.

IKEA and Queensway hold too much memories, from the past many years, right up till now. Building up on the neverending memories.

Behind shower curtains and underneath stairwells.

Had USP interviews this morning. I would say that it went alright, went well, and fingers crossed I'll have what I planned out working just fine, 'nuff said.

03/10 had steamboat/Frolick, and a simple catch-up session today. And I'm proud we're keeping to the once a month thing, yes, its only the second thus far, but good progress nonetheless.

I'm also really glad that HK trip planning is going alright. Not that we've done anything much, but we will. For sure. To nights.

Finally took that five minutes to call Henderson Student Care to double confirm my volunteering timing/days with them. And as much as I don't quite like committing to anything long, it seems this will go fine, all gonna be worthwhile. New experiences. That, I know.

Oh and yes, reminder to self, postcard to Ukraine.

Familiarity.

2012-01-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

I would say choosing to head back for Aikido training after a 18 month pause was entirely a right one.

I remember choosing, 18 months ago, to put training on hold for school, bowling, exco, and loads of other things. It was definitely difficult to stop, as with everything else that you've held so tightly onto for nine years of your life. But it was a good break, I would say.

Thought I had to be put through the humbling experience of having to head back to the white belt, for routine, tradition's and custom's sake. It was a pretty common thing to do, or witness. Stop for a year, rejoin, back to the white till sensei says its cool to return to your original rank. To be honest, I was excited about finally being able to execute those moves, back to the dojo, back to familiar faces and all. But I wasn't too keen on having to head back with a white belt.

Nevertheless, as I stood outside the dojo I was hoping really hard Sensei George would come. Well, he was the one who was gonna approve of if I could return to my Shodan. But yes, as it would be, he didn't turn up. Right, so I was tying the white belt, (and embarrassingly, I had troubles tying it, the simplest thing, ever) But okay, got that done and was just about to enter the hall.

When I got news that Sensei George approved of me returning to Shodan. That he heard I was rejoining and passed word to the seniors to get me back on Shodan. I was stunned, honoured, shocked, surprised, and, frankly, didn't quite think I was up to it. But it was a really pleasant surprise. Changed on the spot and it was back to training as usual. To have him have faith in me even though I haven't been back on the mats for so long, and he hasn't even seen my executions and all. It was a truly, pleasant surprise. Good way to end the hectic work week.

Yes, so that aside. I would say I'm real rusty from all the time I stopped training. Some basics and fundamentals are pretty ingrained. Though the precision dropped mad. But okay, I'm gonna be spending Fridays on training. Gonna get that back, before meeting Sensei George.

Also, all the small talk made with the seniors and the coaches were brilliant. Asking whatever happened to me and my disappearance. (I realized I literally left training without a word haha). And asking about stuff and all. Awesome. All the familiarity.

Feels really really great to be back in action.

Anyway, training aside. Event at GuangYang Sec this morning went pretty well. Crisis Management yet again but its pretty good experience there. Glad I'm down for another event yet. Sports School. Gonna be an eye opener once again. But the sec one kids were really kids through and through, so much for eye lashes my goodness.

Brilliance.

Your Number's Up

2012-01-05T00:52:00.001+08:00

And we would all look for that one number that would be ours.

Your number called, your turn to face the world head on.

Your number called, your hand raised, attendance taken.

Your number called, your match found, that other person.

Your number called, you stand and walk towards the door, knock on it, enter to a stethoscope.

Your number called, your time's up, got to leave, to another world better.

And there are numbers we can't escape.

Not numbers alone nor standing lone. Stringed ones, with a world of meaning behind them all.

Put together, only after.

Crisis Management

2012-01-04T01:02:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since I've been put under this much pressure and stress and expectations. Its pretty unlike that of studying and being under the pressure of scoring. Its more of, expectations and stress coming from crisis management.

First day of work today went pretty well, I would say. There was a crisis and other minor bumps but the training went well alright. I've been praising the job posting as one with tremendously brilliant pay, in my opinion. But now I understand why the pay is as such. Ain't easy. Setting the sound system up is one thing, having to cope with the mini crises that occur occasionally is another. Having to be on your feet, literally and figuratively, all the time, listening to the trainer's cues and knowing what songs to, or not to play, which playlist to go to, is an entirely different ballgame. Having to make sure the flipcharts, the markers and khooshballs, the manuals are all appropriate is yet another level.

But for all the difficulties, considering this to be the first school I'm doing, I suppose it wasn't too bad. And it was an experience, no doubt. Really grateful, and thankful for the other TA, who shared crazy valuable lessons and experiences as well. Fingers crossed for the next few upcoming assignments to run smooth as well.

Headed out today, long overdue, and very much wanted, and needed one.

Yes, wooden toys are brilliant. The wooden table soccer set was pure awesomeness (:

Oh and yes, the view of a bookshop, albeit not the wooden, traditional one, from just simply two steps above ground on a ladder, is magnificent. And one step above those two, it brings you yet another stunning view. And the smell of fresh books, speechless.

New Toys

2012-01-02T22:45:00.002+08:00

Alright, its the day 367 of the same year, some would say. But okay, yes, day two into the new year and I'm up to my neck trying to settle stuff and all. Been too much of a rush.

Currently running on three hours of sleep, and doing well. Sometimes some things just keep you awake. It keeps replaying in your head over and over and over again and you can't do a shit about it. It hurts and claws and breaks. But all you've got to do is to hang in there. And hang in there I will.

Day 1 of the new year went relatively peaceful. Surprisingly, the Page One sale went alright, it was orderly, to say the least. I've got a mountain of books waiting to be devoured, and I'm stoked about it.

It was a quiet day home with the family yesterday, with surprises and little joys for my mom. Pretty good start there.

And okay, 1st day of the year: No more quarreling yeah? Yes, ain't gonna be that easy. But better be trying than not.

Day 1 saw hearts heading home as well. So glad, so freakin glad.

There comes a time where the brain chooses to stop functioning for a while, and getting it started is gonna be an uphill task. And indeed. Slogged through Lit today. But the books never, never, fail to thrill me. Ingrained.

And oh yes, first single beep for the rest of my life. No more student concession, big kiddo now.

Alrighto, 02012012: New toy. Finally got the long overdue iPod Touch White. Too sweet. And finally got the Smokin Buds Skullcandy out of the cupboard, plugged in, and bassed up. Love it. #firstsong on the new toys, Tongue Tied. #oldschool and #neverdidchange (:

First day of work tomorrow, and its all cool currently.

Working schedule's packed to the brim all of a sudden. The hours are good, no doubt. Gonna be an experience too. Good too, filling up the spares wherever.

Bro's a big kiddo too, in long pants now, finally. (:

Peace out.

Let Live, And Let Love

2011-12-31T17:58:00.001+08:00

I know for every 365 days, there'll be posts, entries, comments, notes, words, diaries, blogs etc, everywhere listing the bests and worsts of each year. And there'll be lists that would list movies watched, events happened, friends made, resolutions fulfilled, resolutions not fulfilled, and whatnot. There'll be some that went through alot of thought before they exist in word. And there'll be some that would have been done in a fuzzle, just for the sake of yelling, ohyeah I know the year's coming to an end, and "I-did-have-a-life".

But then there'll be some, many, in fact, that words struggle to capture the year. That will be there so a year later, reading back, it'll be memories that won't change.

Like previous years, I read my end of year posts for '09 and '10. And realized the importance of them. All the tiny details that you'll unearth en route penning this entry, and all the nooks and crannies you'd forget a year later. All etched in words on the 31st of every December. With your flailing vocabulary, straining for just one good read.

And this year will be no different. I'll start from the top, it's going to be long. So you've got a heads up there, and it might be boring, but so there, I'm doing it still. Mmhm.

Many would have dubbed 2011 as THE year, y'know, THE year I turn 18 (and legal), THE year I've got to take the Big A's, THE year I'll finally be done with 12 years of education, THE year for this, THE year for that. In my honest opinion, dubbing 2011 as THE year was overrated, if dubbed for the reasons above.

2011 was indeed a tough one. But I survived, we all did, and we got through it. Twenty Eleven was brilliant in its own little ways. Small surprises, big hearts, small cards, big love, small gestures, big motivations. I know we all say time flies, and like I've said it many times over, time rockets. We'd say that the year has flew by and sped up and all, and truth be told, 2011 was no different. It was one hell of a quick year. Plunged head in into a year of academics, caught a couple of breaths in between, and back to sprinting for last laps.

Of course, I cannot miss out the fact that it was the year we've got to do our A's. As anti-climax as it is, that outlined most of our years, for those 1993 babies, at least. I remember whining about having to sit for four examinations in a year, the MCTs, the JCTs, the Prelims and finally the A's. That was in December 2010. But on hindsight now, I'd say thats one great way to really season you. Frankly speaking, I'd admit I didn't study as hard for the A's as I did for JCTs, or Prelims. But yeah, you can't discount studying for the first three as studying for the final one anyway. I'm thankful for those who stood by me the whole time I was trying to keep alive buried in notes and books. (and honestly, I kinda don't want to throw my notes away, which I won't actually, not all, at least). The longest periods of this year were those right before the exams, waiting for the day of the paper to dawn, and just trying to get time to pass a little quicker so that I'd be over and done with the year. The pile of pens, highlighters, notes, files, papers, and a lot of love, encouragement, and all the helping hands. I owe you guys, a huge thank you. (: I'm glad that's over, for now.

And yes, my first graduation in six long years. The TA kids, jumped on the bandwagon for a relatively new programme and got on the ride of a lifetime, 4 years, heading straight to the A's. No breaks in between. No middle exams to prepare proper for the A's. No prom to mark another rite of passage. But yes, we've had many doors opened for us. Countless, countless opportunities to head overseas for attachments, numerous programmes, electives, events to sprinkle the years with just a bit of difference. It was one hell of a ride, but I don't regret it, and I'm thankful for everything. In fewer words, the people made the years, no doubt.

Farewell/Graduation day was a pretty much overwhelming one. Least to say, not many would feel that way, and tbh, I didn't on the outset, it was too much to handle in a day. But it sinks in deep and you do realize that there's really so much you've done, so many people you've known and so many to thank and endless things to remember.

The People

There's just so many people that came in and out these couple of years. And in 2011 as well. People who came back and didn't intend to leave after.

It hasn't been an easy year on the family, at least not for me. Strained relations lasted months at a go, yes, cos of my ego, and theirs. But whats a family that doesn't get over it. We all do. And we all learn. Nothing distances. Just learn, and move on, stronger and closer in unseeable ways.

Friends, friends, friends. Too many. The 60 of us who stuck through it for four years. Good and bad times, together in unknown ways and unexplainable ways. That one thread that seamlessly connects all. We came from everywhere, literally. We didn't know two hoots about anyone, and we gel. Conflicts, unavoidable. But at the end of it all, I love those guys.

The Bowling Team. 4 years on and we've changed so much. Remember times in '08 where honestly, felt like some little shrimp. Ball doesn't stay on the lane, seniors were like, old. Whoops, but yeah. Didn't talk much, didn't interact much. Then to J1, member to vice-capt, controversially. Its true, nonetheless, I can't bowl brilliantly. But I'd do what I can to make up for it. Mmhm. And that aside, first year bringing the team to A Divs, yes, I screwed up bad. But I'm glad the team didn't. And seeded we are still, and we will be. I love the team. April day camp was a hell of a rush, but exco infinity did it still. Planned within a day. Handing over and stepping down was not easy, it's never easy, but we've got to do what we've got to do. The 10'11 team was awesome, is awesome, and will stay awesome. Love y'all. Jigsaws.

The Juniors. It was one hard task choosing the ExCo, but we had to recommend what we can, and yeah. I'm telling any junior reading this now, Uncle Michael, Jasmine, Denise, Azri, and I have officially banned the term "Learn-To-Bowl". Its no way to label yourself peeps. And you guys can bowl. Go take a second look at the target setting thing y'all, I editted it. You guys, really, bring so much retardedness, laughter and fun into a year of supposed stress and hair-pulling. I'd be frank and admit that there were times I got so exasperated, disappointed time and again. But I'd stupidly hang in there and not give up on you kiddos. And time again you guys just impress me all over again. The crazy ideas the banner, the progress you guys have made. Keep at it guys, you'll do just fine. I believe so, and I know so. Thanks a bunch, kiddos. Chin up and keep on smiling.

Mirrors. I've said it before and I'd say it again, its scary but yet at the same time all too amazing, to find someone so alike. Think alike, say alike and do alike. And like poles repel. True that. But there's just something interesting, unique, intriguing that keeps you wanting and coming back for more. Written notes, small effort to come to the library in between my papers, leaning back on, sitting in front of, stealing glances at (yes I know that, heh), just wanting that bit more time. I really appreciate all that. I know things hasn't been easy. Its never fair too. Let go of what you can, hang on to what you can, in ways that you can. I'm learning too. And I know its innate to feel the way you do when you do. But just know that I'm really really glad I found you. For all difficult things and times will come times where things will get better. You've got so much more to work for, and don't, just don't give up when you think you won't hang in there any longer. I did it, and so can you. Please, keep at it. Thank you for the memories, and all the good times, and the bad too (cos it made me stronger, and wiser). This coming new year, for things to get better. Keep keeping faith.

Ligo Raisins and Butter Biscuits. For coming back after two years on, and for sticking by me through quiet times silently. That I was too blind to notice and too loud to pay attention to. Whatever happened then, and whatever happened two years on, its amazing don't you think. Two years. Two long years and having to deal with your head and heart. Having to control, avoid, and just find that bit of courage. 1 second of courage was all it took to wake me up. Sorry. I know I've caused a fair bit of hurt, pretty unknowingly. But for all the memories forged that I wasn't quite aware of, for the memories shared and for all the aches, I'm glad second chances do come along. And as much as we're still learning and as much as it hurts mad still, its never going to be easy to let go, if ever. Whatever happens this coming new year, thank you for sticking by, and for coming back, and for letting me in. You made me believe that second chances exist. Stay heartstrong.

Twenty months and counting. You. Yes. You. This year was one hell of a heartache. And sometimes, headaches too. But I'm just so glad that we're stronger than all of that. The first full year. We're coming up on twenty four months, thats insane. But its amazing ain't it. And amazing it is. All the memories and all the getaways. All the tough months and all the brilliant ones. Thank you will not suffice for the love care concern time effort heartwork hardwork pain encouragement helping hands and everything else that you've given me. And words will fail, as usual. And this last day of the year, #herestothekids who will not let distance stop them from loving. On New Year's Eve, "let's just say, this coming new year, there is no reason not to follow your heart." Keep strong.

Analogue

I've decided to dabble with analogue photography this past year. Maybe slightly slow on the uptake, but I'm glad I started. Three to my name as of now. Bluefin - La Sardina Sea Pride, Shima - Goldenhalf Stripe, and Shingz - Diana F+ Glow. All with its own cool features, its names a history and story itself. I'm still learning, and as much as the film have gave me its cool surprises, I've had my fair bit of disappointments with washed out pictures and empty rolls. But its all part and parcel, take some, lose some. I personally think the new range of La Sardina has lost the nautical intention that a La Sardina should have had in the first place. But oh well, I guess new things will keep coming. I'm still learning about the film and angles and ISO and whatnot, but as of now, things are looking up. Keeping Shingz to test for the new year, haven't had the courage to bring it out and about just yet, but I will, soon enough. Visiting the Lomography shops in Hong Kong and the newly opened one in Singapore was such a thrill. Totally stoked to head there another time.

Flying

And if I thought flying thrice in a year was busy enough, talk about flying thrice in six months. To Hong Kong, Australia, then to Hong Kong again. Not to mention ferrying to Zhu Hai and Macau. New experiences with new people. Dad and relatives. And mom too. All with its own memories.

The Hong Kong trips made me so much surer that touring Hong Kong on our own will not be a problem.

Flying to Australia brought back memories from years back, from when I was three, to when I was in Sec Two, and many firsts and amazing times. Love the culture love the people love the place. I'd go there again, and again. And I probably will.

Giving Back

I've always wanted to do it, and having done a few in '10 I knew it was where I was pretty much headed to. Right after the A's, and slightly before the A's ended, I've googled and looked at many different organizations I could work with to help the kids there. CSLMCH was definitely one of them, having carried out my Mazarin project there. Applied to a few, and after a month of processing my application and putting them through MCYS screening I've finally got some solid replies. Good ones, to commit a couple of days a month to help the kiddos. We've taken so much, its just right to be giving back some.

And trust me, nothing beats watching a kid smile. That keeps me going, at least. Maybe its a me thing, but having learnt from the Cambodia outreach last year that laughter's the only universal language, I've grew to believe that nothing will beat that. And I'm gonna work for it.

Turning Legal

This year's birthday was a really good one. Of course, each year's gonna have its amazing times. But to say the least, I expected nothing much out of this year's 18th. Well yes, while it was going to be the day I turn legal and many would make a hooha outta it, whats there to expect when there's a major Econs paper the next day. But thanks to many many many wonderful people, this year's birthday was one of the most memorable ones ever. For morning surprises, to late afternoon ones, to boxes, to unannounced ones. And yes, I've still got unread books, still got unfinished tidbits, still got unused analogue accessories. It was a blast. And I've got you guys to thank for. And of course, the belated birthday lunch and mini surprise, I really appreciate the effort went into all of that.

After A's

I've told myself to keep myself busy and occupied for after the papers ended. Having the privilege to end slightly earlier than the rest, I packed and busied myself with the after A's plans that I had. Driving lessons, practices, evaluations. Crashing bowling camp. Looked for jobs and found great ones with good pay and brilliant experience. The whole of the last week of November and the entire of December was packed to the brim. Pack, fly, unpack, pack, fly, repeated over and over. But it was nonetheless fulfilling. And this coming year, it'll be too.

Books

There's this whole thing with bookshops closing down. Borders closed, and Page One's to close in Feb. There're clearance sales everywhere but with the crowd and my fussiness for the quality of the books and covers and pages, I decided against it. Still glad for the free five year extension of my Times membership. I've been trying to spend my free time reading, while I can and I'm pretty glad to say that I've devoured quite a couple of them. More than I had over the past years with work and all. And there's going to be more to come, promised.

Outings, Outings and more Outings

Throughout the period of supposed intense mugging for the exams, I told myself to be sure that I kept time for people. Had numerous outings and movie sessions. On twenty thirds. On weekends. After school times. Novena BK. Clarke Quay BK. Airport. Esplanade Rooftop. Bowling Centres. Sleepovers. Pulau Ubin. Too many, too many to name.

Prom

Of course, Prom. A first for many of us and with the big hooha over what to wear how to do up your hair what time you're gonna be there who should we sit with who to take photos with and etc, it was an experience. Pretty ladies and suave young dudes. Rite of passage, checked.

Theaters

I had the luxury of watching 3 productions this year. And I'm awfully thankful for it. First up was Lion King The Musical with my mom and brother at the Grand Theater at MBS. It was such a brilliant production and it was amazing seeing them transforming animals into on-stage characters. The music and orchestra were great too. Then it was Richard III, which was a refreshing experience, having a play you've studied for two years being put into production right before your eyes. Its incredible. And of course, the most recent, Wicked. Having seen the backstage props and all in New York, and having had the music and songs in my iTunes for a year or so, watching the real thing and hearing the familiar songs live felt phenomenal. Great company as well.

Picking Up

I've put many things on pause for the sake of studies and all this year. But I'm starting to pick up the pieces and start again where I've stopped. One's Aikido. I'm real glad to have re-submitted the forms. And to be back in action next week, will be a humbling, but yet a pretty proud move to make. And I've decided to try baking once again, not too bad, the first try there. Shall work on that

This year has been too filled to the brim, and I'm just glad that I've got pictures to capture what I missed out or what cannot be penned proper. It was a fun-filled one. And despite sleep debts and falling ill a couple of times, I'm really glad to say that it was one great year. And we got through it.

My writing has changed, too. A little more long-winded. A little more vague. A little more unnecessary information and things. A little more of this and a little more of that. But here's to progress.

I started this post at 1245pm, to be exact. Of course, there was lunch, celebrating my mom's birthday, heading out to get my working kit and photographs in between. But its been nearly five hours. And I'm near to done.

I've done many things on impulse this year. I don't exactly remember anything that I particularly regret not doing. Or doing. And I'm glad that there ain't regrets. Its been a while, but really, do what makes you happy. And work from there.

I've grown so much and I've learnt so much from so many people. And one brilliant, and probably the most important lesson I've learnt this year, would be to simply, Let Live, and Let Love.

I've got many new resolutions for the coming year. Some have already been put into action and things are falling nicely.

2011 has been one hell of a ride. Its been great too. I've handed over the ticket and I'm leaving the theme park, to the next, newest ride.

And here's to 2012, it'll be awesome. Take me on an adventure. And I'll take whatever comes, at the best I can.

And here's to 2012, keep on loving.

Everything To Fall Back On

2011-12-29T01:06:00.000+08:00

Its been pretty eventful, these days. And one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride as well there.

All the send-offs, never liked those stuff, I actually think its kinda my first send-off there, or at least I would consider it so. But a really tough and heartbreaking one. But I do know, and believe that these days would pass fast, and we'd all hang in strong there.

Today's been pretty cool too. An entire day, a first. Logos Hope, then to many many many cool shops, then to We Bought A Zoo, then to just hanging around, and brilliant pictures there. Mmhm. Stuff to fall back on. Passing time as well.

AND ohmg, finally, whatsapp finally working some magic (L)!

Got hit by a case of food poisoning yesterday, a first for me. Never quite puked so many times in a day. Requested for a jab and some pills at the family doc's. Thank goodness thats one stint over.

A whole lot of post A's plans totally rolling out just as fine. Jobs that I aimed and had my eyes on, working totally in my favour, with brilliant pay and awesome working times. I'd said the TA training today was an eye-opener to the totally unglamorous side of motivational coaching and inspiration talks. But I guess whats got to be done got to be done, and thats the skeleton of everything. So there.

Loads of volunteer positions that I applied for about a month back also receiving replies and confirmations there. Brilliant.

Nevertheless, pretty glad about how things are turning out.

All falling into plan.

//

"i won't lose my pants!"
"no word story"
"in a time-line manner"
(:
Good spots with bad sides.

Here's To You

2011-12-25T22:57:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas, y'all. (:

Its been insanely quick, having Christmas dawn upon us all over again.

Slightly different this time round, wasn't out in town with my mum and brother to catch the lights and the countdowns, just, quiet eve at home, cold, windy and chilly eve night. Pretty serene and quiet, in a nice way.

Somehow, this Christmas, my late grandpa and uncle kept crossing my mind. Maybe I haven't quite had one memorable Christmas with them, maybe they left too soon, but who's to say for what is too soon.

So this one Christmas, a happy merry one, goes to you, gong gong, and you, da gu zhang, we've been missing you guys. Its a season of love, and it has always been so.

And, travel safe, please.

Mere Formalities

2011-12-24T23:54:00.002+08:00

There come times when festivities are mere formalities when your ties are broken, strained. Everything just doesn't fall in place.

I should stop being such a cynic.

Untold Stories

2011-12-24T13:35:00.000+08:00

Still trying to come to terms with how brilliant Wicked the Musical was. It was truly an extraordinary, and exquisite production. Loved every single bit of it. A brilliant cast, with a pitch perfect orchestra belting out heartwarming soundtracks.

It was an extremely interesting storyline, with unexpected twists and turns. Draw its warped links to the Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, Dorothy. And do a double take on the good guys, and bad ones. The untold story of the Witches of Oz, brilliantly, and intricately unfolded in front of eager eyes. What I do also find commendable was the humour. No "its-so-funny-i-forgot-to-laugh" ones, but genuine jokes, puns, ironies that's farcical and just, authentic.

I'll never forget that jet of thrill and excitement, those goosebumps, hearing old songs, heart songs being sang live on a musical. Its unimaginable. Worth the money, and definitely the company.

There is no one, who should give Wicked a miss.

Brilliant production, loved every bit of it.

It was one eventful day yesterday. Theaters, Musicals, Christmas Lights. Dead tiring, but all worth the while. Afterall, 20 months comes only once.

//

Listen to her untold stories
And hear her words, her silence,
The consonants and vowels she tries to hard
To articulate in her silence.

Pick out the stanzas the line breaks the paragraphs
In her eyes.
Learn every punctuation,
The fullstops, the commas, the exclamation marks
And the question marks
That doesn't demand an answer.

Feel her untold stories,
Feel her words,
Feel her voice,
And feel her gaze.

Beads

2011-12-22T23:48:00.000+08:00

To have your tear on my sleeve.
To have it dry on my sleeve.

To have your tears on my cheek.
To have them dry on my cheek.

It is excruciatingly painful.

Right Nostalgia.

2011-12-22T21:08:00.001+08:00

Its pretty indescribable, bringing certain people, important people, to important places in your life.

Certain places hold so many memories its impossible to describe them nor to even start talking about them. Sometimes it feels like its going to be better if they're left untouched and all alone. Like, talking about it would be giving it a slight touch, push, off balance, tipping over.

But it is, really indescribable. The tinge of thrill of stepping in the right place with the right people at the right time - raving hungry stomachs. Thats one place off the list of many others.

The book I've been pouring over today has started to get a tad bit confusing.
"That happened, in the future long ago"
Now you understand. But its really a pretty good book. Many more to pour over the next couple of weeks and months.

Oh yes, like I mentioned, today went pretty well, as with the so called interview which was such a joke, too easy. Gave each other the O.o eye. And Miah doesn't know how to read maps proper (okay cos I didn't give him a chance to look at it proper anyway) But still. Tskk. Roster should go well. Easy money there, plus, kids ftw. (: Coaching's coming up too - now thats just awaiting confirmation. But the timing fits perfect and I'm thrilled to get started.

And now mum doesn't have her corporate meetings, might just be traveling all over again. Shall see how that goes there. Wishful thinking of staying put at home. Ah well.

Totally digging the progress I'm making crossing out things on the bucket/to-do list.

Brilliant.

//

"What would happen if you just shut a door and stop speaking? Hour after hour after hour of no words. Would you speak to yourself? Would words just stop being useful? Would you lose language altogether? Or would words mean more, would they start to mean in every direction, all somersault and assault, like a thuggery of fireworks? Would they proliferate, like untended plantlife? Would the inside of your head overgrow with every word that has ever come into it, every word that has ever silently taken seed or fallen dormant? Would your own silence make other things noisier? Would all the things you'd ever forgotten, all layered there inside you, come bouldering up and avalanche you?"
- Ali Smith (There But For The)

Plan.

2011-12-22T01:15:00.000+08:00

Alright, camp's been one hell of a tiring journey. Whatever happened to crashing and slacking away. Hahah. But nevertheless, it was indeed an experience. From a different perspective from a different position from a different role from a different time. Tempers flared, moods dipped and so on and so forth, but like I said, I'd stupidly hang on. So for the people, well done you guys, thats one major event down. Stay strong and brace for the coming ones. It'll be tough, but remember to enjoy the ride while you're on it.

Applications for the positions that I've been thinking of and eyeing on has been going well thus far. Fits in with the odd timings I have here, but working well together. Got to wait for a certain confirmation tomorrow or some day soon, but things should be looking up I presume.

Looking forward to lunch tomorrow. Gonna be memory floodgates there.

Alright, I'm drained.

Ticks

2011-12-18T23:58:00.000+08:00

Its been too quick, too quick. Tomorrow's Dec camp. To think just a year ago the four of us were saying "Okay guys, sleep early tonight, we'll need the energy for the next three days!" - and end up sleeping way past midnight settling camp stuff. And meeting way before the team the next morning to get ready for the day.

From the depths of archives and memories: Post 2010 Dec Camp post: "I'm really glad we did well. The team was efficient and really cooperative as well. Couldn't ask for a better, for a more bonded team. Thankful, and impossibly blessed." No doubt it'll be a different stage this time round, but I'm choosing to believe, and trust that down at those roots, its all the same afterall. Either way, looking forward to tomorrow.

Packing, again. Aunt walked past my room and went "forever packing." Pros and cons to it. But glad that it'll be the last time I'd be packing, for a month or so, at least. 2 days, but my Tommy bag's filled to the brim already.

Been a slightly different, and slightly overdue day today. BT Prac in the morning went pretty alright. It was a new experience though, doing a test on a touch screen. And the questions were tricky. But glad it wasn't the real thing today. 9th Jan it would be. Shopping with mom is almost always good. And today went pretty well. DC Heroes was having sales, loving the Superman shirts.

Oh and, sudden urge to bake. And did as the heart felt. And real glad that it went well. Awesome. Not as good as it used to be, but passable for now. There're dinosaurs and stars and moons and dolphins. And the whole time, couldn't escape Dinorawr, at all. Hope it doesn't just look good there. Heh. And now, thats another post A's goal down, baking. All's going well, going well. Ticking off the to do list, going well.

Of which, I really hope the '12 trip to Hong Kong will fall in well and become reality. It'll be fun. Yes yes, in a way, it'll be painful, again, to leave. But yeah.

Home day yesterday was alright. Got bored really quick though. Found myself company and transport to Mustafa. Love my Nat Geo Buff, Ng Hao and Cordi (: But love my Matt one too. Haven't used it in a long while. Never too late to go back to it yes. And Mustafa's as crowded as ever, but it has changed to much, too much, that its hard to recognize it anymore. No longer that childhood place dad used to bring us to. But some things don't change. That we've been there. Memories. Not all to fall back on. But yes.

And its good, bookworms. (: Proud of myself for that. Keep it up please. Brilliant.

Sometimes I get bored of my writing. I actually am already bored of it. It hasn't changed at all. All the rambling. Thrash, actually.

Riku is getting so much handsome-r, Asuka and Airi are all pretty girls too. I've got to see them soon, though that's going to be quite a tough one.

John Mayer is brilliant.

//

You and your photos.
Your confessions your excuses your reasons.
Your unsaid words that I sometimes don't get.
Your unsaid words that when I do get,
I'll read them like a book, out loud.

House On A Hill

2011-12-17T02:46:00.000+08:00

I know its pretty much an unearthly hour to be penning this, but got to do what I got to do, at least when certain brainwaves click.

Finally, 2 home days. Not that I haven't enjoyed myself the past few weeks traveling out. But its always good to have some alone time, or at least, some hometime.

Haven't quite had my hometime since A's ended. Its nearly coming up on a month since the Big A's. It already feels like a distant memory, with the crazy hectic schedule. But I'm pretty glad that it has been 3 fulfilling weeks thus far. Traveled to Australia, and back. Traveled to Hong Kong, and back. Got started on Basic Theory. Got started on training verts, and some others for next year. Spent quality time with quality people. Had Ubin getaway. Securing those job offers, those with kids. Starting on mentoring and volunteering. Going on a roll with my books, can't quite leave the house without one. Good start there I would say, for three weeks. And counting.

#nowplaying: time trickles down and I'm breathing for two.

Getaway at Ubin was worth every cent spent. The deal was a really brilliant one I would say. The planning, the admin stuff, and of course, the unplanned and the unexpected, candlelight. (: Yes, one of the best nights yet, though I was dead beat and sleepy. But nevertheless, its the company that matters.

Today was one hell of a rush. Flew. But managed what I had to manage. I know, unfortunately, that I owe my body quite a bit of rest, I'll try to work on that these days, before camp. It'll cool. But thats how I like it. Till I can no longer.

Anyway, love my Matt multifunction headwear. Need to get the BUFF ones soon enough.

#nowplaying: it's not a miracle you need, believe me.

Like whut, its 2.45am and I feel like reading. But nah, got to get my head on the pillows.

You Gain Some And You Lose Some

2011-12-15T01:05:00.001+08:00

And I suppose thats how it is, you gain some and you lose some. There's no getting all of them at a go nor at once.

Well, for one, I'm superbly glad I'm done flying about, for now, at least. Its really taxing and tiring. Physically and emotionally taxing. But for now, and for a while, let everything settle.

Just got back from Hong Kong, I'd say it was an interesting experience. First time traveling with my relatives and my gran. And first time I'm travelling with my dad, in 8 years. Yeah, 8 years. But thats how it is, so there.

Rooming with two dudes, my bro and my dad, was an experience in itself. But a good one, that is. Well who's to say whens the next time anyway. It was also great to be able to ingrain in myself the memory of having traveled with my gran. I know all too well the pain of not having such memories. Like it has always been said, better to have felt than to not.

My aunts and uncle and cousin was great company. Really hilarious, jokers there, in a good way. Made the 5 days so much easier to pass. Not that I actually had much of a chance to interact and get to know them better before this trip. Pretty thankful I now have some memories, some tangibles, and some intangibles, to fall back on.

My brother's spy mission with my gran impressed me. He's growing up, really, and despite having ultra annoying sides to him, pretty proud of him there.

Getaway, camp, PSC test. Then please, really hoping for everything to fall back to its normal pace. Totally caught in a whirlpool of events and schedules. But some things don't change, same old, same old.

Bring The Word To Life

2011-12-13T01:25:00.001+08:00

Take a word, flip it over and over and over, let it tumble through your fingers. Feel its textures. Does it slide through your fingers, or does its rough edges catch between, or does it tangle between your nails. Does it feel warm and furry like that of a dog's coat - loyal, faithful, or does it feel cold and hard like that of ice - unyielding, unfeeling.

Bring it to your ear, hear it, listen to it. Does it hiss, roar, or does it simply stay silent. Can you hear those soundwaves, maybe its of a different frequency, but its trying to get its point across. Listen real close, really closely, pick out the vowels it's trying to pronounce, the consonants as well. Hear its cry, laughter, snort, snigger, but listen hard for the pain in it, the love the happiness the sadness.

Place it on your tongue. Taste it. Does it melt, or does it stay there, with its flavours all confusing with its own, spiral swirl, unsure of how its supposed to taste like itself. Or does it taste salty - with tears, sweet - with love, sour - with jealousy. Push it towards your lips, and try to say it.

Try to hear, hear, if the word that comes out between your lips, feels the way it felt on your fingers, sounds the same as what it told you near your ear, tastes the same as it did on your tongue.

You do realize, don't you, that you can taste, feel, hear a single word. And especially so when you're trying to make sense of one, that doesn't make complete sense to you at all.

Companions

2011-12-11T01:03:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wish it wasn't just bigtoe I was bringing along when I travel.

Toilet Breaks

2011-12-09T23:42:00.001+08:00

I have no idea why it hurts so bad. I don't know if your eyes will glaze this. To hold back flood gates. To keep the voice from cracking. To just stand. To find the strength to stand. To get past this. This. This. This. This. This.

Toilet Breaks

Blind Eye.

2011-12-07T01:46:00.001+08:00

Sometimes the effort put in won't yield the results you want. Its such a cliche, but its true. Not when personalities are so alike. Its been what, half a year, I drew the line and I gave it a chance today. But I succumbed to awkwardness. Maybe I chose to. But y'know what, if you're not gonna put in anything proportionate to what I've been trying, I'm letting go. We ain't here for you to kick around. Let go and let live. Tbh I don't even know how to react to your thankyous anymore. The long ones too, flies off the page. What was said before, how much weight do they carry now. I'm asking you to ask yourself what you're expecting me to live up to, what you're trying to live up to, and what on earth do you want me to do.

On a lighter note, class BBQ today was pretty good. I liked it. Simple, small, cosy affair. 197.

Have you ever felt. Like whatever you believed in just came crashing down. Cause you forgot wrongly. Memories you thought you can fall back on simple vanish. Memories you were hoping were strong and built to hold you up, just crumbles. Cause one simple detail you thought you knew turned out otherwise. Then you start to lose faith in whatever you've actually remembered. Like, at the end of it all, you've got nothing, no one to fall back on at all.

I'm just gonna keep holding on, at whatever expense. I'm trying to, darn hard.

Stained Ink On Crisp Paper

2011-12-05T22:19:00.001+08:00

Alright, back, and pretty settled from the recently concluded 8 days long trip to Gold Coast & Melbourne, Australia. There were its up and downs, but it was pretty much a good trip I would say.

Won't go into the daily routine details cause that would bore the donkey to its bones. Shall just word them, and those that stuck strongly with me.

Touching those manta rays. Letting the Gold Coast sun beat down. Winning Seaweed and bringing him around Sea World. Helicopter rides around Surfers' Paradise. Watching the seals and sea lions and remembering how I wanted so badly to be a Marine Biologist. Crabbing and fishing. Holding on to the huge mud crabs with its pincers not bound together. Feeding the pelicans. Yabbie pumping. COPENHAGEN RUM AND RAISIN ICE CREAM :D Schoolies Week. Lethal Weapon at Movie World. Tropical Fruit Farms. Superbee honey.

Heading to Melbourne and trying desperately to find something familiar from 15 years ago. The Melbourne trams. Great Ocean Road. 12 Apostles. London Bridge. Loch Ard Gorge. Apollo Bay. Port Campbell. The mad rain drizzle and winds. The crazy long coach rides. Warrook Cattle Farm. Mini trains. Kangaroos and wombats. Penguin parade. The Nobbies. Grill'd. Bookshop of my dreams on DeGraves St.

Thats all words can do, for now, at least. I would say the days didn't pass that fast. As torturous as it is, there were its good points. Loads of alone, thinking time just gazing at where the greens hit the blues. The fine black, grey, white, invisible line where the vast green fields simply disappear and give way to the deep blue skies. Where the blue skies disappear into the white clouds. Nimbus, whatever they're called. I know they have a name. They all do. Loads of thinking time, letting the mind wander with no guilt, no guilt at all. Imagined conversations, made up futures, rewound time machines.

I actually hardly blasted my iPod on the long coach rides, surprisingly. Just a couple of times. The other times were spent just gazing out. And all stationary times when not stopping time with captured moments on shutters or when not walking or when not sight seeing or when not talking, was spent reading. Turning into a total bookworm, and loving every bit of it. Building up the mountain of books I've yet to touch, but at the rate I'm going, doubt there would be any problem at all.

Glad I got the addresses right, postcards. Sesame Street ones.

And oh yes, wouldn't deny that the films gave me a hell lot of stress. But am really proud to say that I kept them all xray-safe the entire time. Insisted on getting them hand-checked and that certainly worked. Four rolls of film, shall see how that goes. Fingers crossed.

10kg worth of R2E2 mangoes and cherries were no joke at all, but all worth it.

Haven't exactly had the time to catch up on proper sleep and rest and I regrettably admit that I owe my body that. But that has to come only near Christmas. Mad packed meanwhile. Trying to juggle, and prioritize.

Loads of plans, new resolutions coming up, gonna try living up to all of them. Step 1 well on the way; reading reading and more reading. Step 2 also on the roll; volunteering for the kids I promised myself I'd do, a little cliched, but giving back makes me live. The rest will come along as it does.

Got to admit that the world doesn't go on a pause. Doesn't stop. Doesn't wait. Doesn't remember. Just one more jetting off leaving the crisp world behind, leaving a trail of white smoke, intangibles. Just like any one presence. What words would convey, how much, really, of them draws a line, black ink staining crisp white elephant paper, from dot to dot, matches with your actions? Trace the lines, you'd realize the lines probably lose themselves halfway through. Starts from one dot, never getting to the next, never reaching it, never matching just right.

And, I love my Paul Frank Mac sleeve.

Holding on. Just, holding on.

To Down Under

2011-11-27T17:54:00.001+08:00

Okay, to Down Under for the next seven days or so.

My films and film cameras are giving me a hell lot of stress. But okay, here goes.

Take care, study hard, have your meals, drink your water, don't sleep too late. You'll do just fine, for all the reasons I've already said (:

Take care, you too.

It'll be pretty quick.

Peace out.

Drop Everything.

2011-11-23T23:27:00.001+08:00

Alright, I know this is kinda one day late, but yes, all hail the Big A's, it's finally over. Haven't exactly felt the mythical "omg A's are over" rush, and don't think I will actually. But one thing's for sure, I can, and am doing whatever I wanna do without feeling a tinge of guilt.

Yes, its finally over.

Been a rush of new toys since the A's ended. Had lunch at Old Airport Road (finally, my first ever time there), registered for driving, got my Mac (finally), opened Shingz (finally as well, and he's really really pretty), had dinner out, belated birthday mini surprise (thankyou Jasmine & Jiayee there!), watched Richard III, and stuff. Haven't had a proper breather, that will come tomorrow.

To today's 19th, words cannot suffice (:

Been a pretty good start since everything else ended, nevertheless with the small hiccups and rollercoasters, but worth it still.

Love love love love love the Paul Frank shop at ION, totally a happy shop, couldn't stop smiling the moment I stepped into it. Julius (:

Richard III today was brilliant. The ending was really quite an eye opener. Loved the use of doors, shadows and light, really pretty amazing there. Watching those words we poured over, had nightmares over, wrote about, struggled with, all come to life. Pretty amazing there.

Packed times coming up, but at least its gonna be worth every wee bit of fun. (:

This has been one hell of a ride, while I'm immensely thankful for the experience and for everything forged on the way, I'm grateful that I'm finally off the ride.

Peace out.

Strength.

2011-11-22T06:46:00.001+08:00

Last 6.30am TJ morning ever.

Its always the last lap that is the hardest, and the longest.

This whole journey has totally worn me out. I feel like I can sleep for days.

Always the last that is.

Finish strong, y'alls.

Homerun.

2011-11-21T19:50:00.001+08:00

Just as you said,

"Sprint home, finish strong."

Immensely glad that I'm nearing the end of a hell of a ride, good times as there might have been, its more relieving than anything else for a fullstop to finally be drawn tomorrow.

And yes, today's Econs paper was a helluva paper. Was pretty stunned when I saw those words inked on paper in black. Felt pretty stunned all the same even after the paper, but well yes, heads up, deep breath, and smile. Wasn't too bad afterall, tweak what you know and scare the paper mmhm.

And after tomorrow, no more burning elbows. And time to get my bones, heart, and jaw sorted out.

C'mon, this last home run.

Rethink.

2011-11-19T20:49:00.001+08:00

This is scaring me. Maybe it has always been there but I've been fighting it. But fact is, this is scaring me.

I am reading your words and I am doubting. Doubting myself.

I probably need you to cut me more slack than you'll ever know. And things are no longer the same as they are previously. But some things don't change. The fundamentals doesn't, but everything else, very possibly did.

"People who love only once in their lives are shallow people. What they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom of their lack of imagination" - Oscar Wilde

You may think you're reading about yourself, you could very possibly be reading about another all at once. Just remember that there's always time, it just hasnt dawned upon you, as sure of yourself as you are. And in many aspects those words fall hard and ring truth. Keep remembering that there exists too many kinds of love.

I guess I really thrive on quality time. When deprived. Uncontrollable change.

Greek

2011-11-18T22:29:00.001+08:00

Its been a long-drawn interest of mine, Greek mythology. The Greek gods and goddesses. There's so much mystery, myth, mythical qualities about all of them, and with each, their individual stories.

It just intrigues me.

Its like an entirely different world out there. Like they create this world of theirs, and lose themselves in it. Its fascinating.

But I shall curb the urge to read up on it, till 4 days later, c'mon just four days.

Sprint home.

Keeps The World Turning

2011-11-15T23:14:00.001+08:00

Okay, here goes, I'm legal.

To be honest, today was supposed, and expected to be spent sitting at my desk with my notes accompanying me, and I was all prepared, and embracing that. But as life would have it, nothing quite goes to plan. This time, in a good way, an overwhelming way.

There's really nothing much to proclaim about finally being legal, I mean, everyone will some time in they're life, so yeah. But what makes every 18th different are the people. Not many wishes today, just loads of thankyous and love. Words fail, but this is just so I'll never forget today.

For those that took that extra step, effort to totally blow me away with your love, effort and time by appearing at my doorstep,

Thankyou potato, all the heartwork there, dinoRAWRR (: Heh, *yawns* I'm sleepy already, heh. (L)
Thankyou kid, dictionaries, whales, clam chowder, and everything that words fail to capture (: (L)
Thankyou LingFang, Jiaxin, HiuSheung, JiaEn, Samantha, you guys are insane! The box is sitting next to my table now hahah, and the card, and all the effort and retardedness (: (L)
Thankyou Azri, can't believe what you bought, seriously, (: CROWNS. (L)

For the special calls and the texts,
Thankyou Denise, Joelle, LingFang, Jiaxin, Stalker!, JiaYee, Joey, Adnaan, Davis, Sam, Zach, Angelique, Sabs, Jiamin, Nick, Jamie, Jianle, Jeremiah, GAOLAOSHI!!!, Val, XiaoPing, Nurul, Billy, Philly, Dhivya, Sarah, Kelly, YingLing, Casper, Sabu.

For the Twitter wishes,
Thankyou Jiaxin, Jasmine, Casper, Nicole, Sarah, Matt, Angee!

And for all the FB wishes, which I won't go into the names here, but will reply individually once I'm done with my jitters tmrw (:

And of course, my family, who'd probably not see this, nor will their love be seen by anyone else, cause that flows in the blood. Thankyou for everything, despite everything.

Really appreciate everything that all of you have done. Today wasn't supposed to be anything much near special, but now its going to go down as one of those days I won't forget, those days I'll keep recounting to those around me.

To those I promised to drive around, I'll keep that promise, just, give me a while, heh.

Its the tiniest things that reminds me of why anything is worth my everything, even the most unexpected and the most overlooked and the most least valued. The thread and the links. I am unable to express my gratitude, but here goes. Thank you so much.

----

Dusting
Marilyn Nelson

Thank you for these tiny
particles of ocean salt,
pearl-necklave viruses,
winged protozoans:
for the infinite,
intricate shapes
of submicroscopic
living things.

For algae spores
and fungus spores,
bonded by vital
mutual genetic cooperation,
spreading their
inseparable lives
from equator to pole.

My hand, my arm,
make sweeping circles.
Dust climbs the ladder of light,
For this infernal, endless chore,
for these eternal seeds of rain:
Thank you. For dust.

Old

2011-11-13T22:11:00.001+08:00

Hello there,

Happy Birthday,

'nuff said. (:

Here We Go

2011-11-11T23:11:00.000+08:00

And now at 11.11.11.11.11

Here's remembering all of you.

Here's to all the loved ones.

All over again.

Floodlights.

2011-11-11T19:02:00.001+08:00

Count the number of times you've watched silhouettes till you can't any longer with oncoming headlights blinding you.

Adrenalin

2011-11-11T11:32:00.001+08:00

You'd figure the hawk for an isolate thing,
commanding the empyrean,
taking his ease in the thermals and wind
until that retinal flick, the plunge and shriek -
cruelly perfect at what he is.
- August Kleinzahler

Been a couple of days into the Big A's. Yeah, all hail the Big A's.

Its been going alright over at this calm side of the world these couple of days. But I know that some, if not most, haven't had it easy, the papers are a torture and are out to kill. But whatever comes, just remember that its all gonna be a fraction of forever, nothing much more. And the gladiators stay put in this dog-eat-dog world. So, just hang in there for that bit more.

Be as perfect as you can, hawks, eagles, dead precise, and deadly, cruelly perfect. But perfection brings loneliness just as it circles the sky, drawing circles that belongs to themselves, and themselves only. For all the overrated "no one is perfect", find the perfections in all the flaws, that's what's gonna keep sane and perfect at the same time. And yes, fall down, get back up try again, fall again, get back stronger, try harder.

Its the famous 11/11/11 today, 2 days, 4 days, 19 days, 20 days, 21 days, all the significance. As much as we don't know for sure what 11/11/11 brings, nor grants, I'd just like to wish, and hope, for all of you guys, just all of you, to be fine, in everything you do, to be happy, and to just, learn to love yourself. You reading this, you're beautiful, in your own perfect way, and I believe in that, cause I've seen that for myself. I know I did say I don't believe in wishes, but as much as I can't push anyone to love themselves, I'm wishing you would. Be happy.

Take this adrenalin rush,
feel it pulsing through your veins
from your fingertips right up your arm,
your shoulder, your neck,
your heart,
take this adrenalin rush
and translate it to the every action your body makes,
every heartstring it pulls,
let your heartstrings play the tune of
a violin, a piano, a guitar.
The only tune it answers to.
- Adrenalin -
11.11.11
C.Kaiwen

Cheers.

Nerves

2011-11-08T18:11:00.000+08:00

All the nerves
and all the nevers,
boils down to the
always and forevers.
For afterall,
all of it is going to be
a fraction of forever.

All the nerves, goodness, the sporadic nervousness which doesn't exactly help that our seating plans are all screwed up and different from the past many papers that we've done. But alright, mind over matter, all for the better and for the bigger.

Many have started that first step already. And I'm still standing here waiting to jump off that bungee platform with a thousand questions in my head. Whether the cable's loose whether the platform's stable enough whether anything will snap halfway, whatever.

A step behind as I may be, will be taking bigger strides, all going to be over in a matter of two weeks. Huge confident strides across those days will do just it. But nevertheless, that step's intimidating.

And while many have been claiming this to be the culmination of 2 years in JC, 4 years in TA, 12 years in the education system, let's just spin it around. Didn't we all work our asses off for something bigger than just a couple of alphabets on a cert. Of course those alphabets are important, needless to say, gets you to where you want to be, gets you a step ahead, and whatsoever. But as mentioned, give it a spin, it probably isn't a culmination, it's just a part of whatever we're doing for that bigger thing we're working towards, or at least, if you do have that bigger thing that you're walking towards. All just part of the plan. Inherently intricate and important as each part is, isn't the end all and be all.

Call it self consolation you might. Cause I'm all nervy for Thursday. Its Tuesday now. And my most immediate sand dune is facing me in my face tomorrow, but that's for tomorrow, for today, it's Thursday my nerves are screwing up for. And this is helping me calm, trying to shape those intangibles into words.

But its a fact, that its all going to be a fraction of forever, make the fraction count, with your best, and all else will follow.

Peace out, and all the best.

Suns

2011-11-05T23:10:00.002+08:00

For the same bloody reason I told you, for the same bloody reason I said I'm gonna hold it off till 20 odd days later lest anything screws up in between, I'm gonna keep my freaking cool today.

Not like there's not enough bullshit today.

Two huge things. All crashing. Like I'm not bothered.

But since I'm telling myself I'm not, I shall now, I am not.

Nonsense.

I'm just going to hold it off. Hold it off. Hold it off. Hold it off. Hold it off. Hold it off. Use my 5 hour naps to hold every effing thing off. At the expense of everything else.

Watch and see it disappear in flames. Watch the ash and try desperately grasping the smoke, twirl it around your fingers and wish it come back. Wish it didn't go up in flames. But it did.

No brazen sun.

Optimism goes something like that, for two:
#1: Good that your heart it calmed.
#2: Continue being amazed at how I'm going to hold this off like all's cool. Yeahp, all's well.

Vids

2011-11-03T22:42:00.002+08:00

Now that the Diana F+ and 35mm Back are both here, immense self discipline.

Sidenote, I'm dying for the LomoKino omg.

2011-11-02T20:02:00.001+08:00

tell me,

who?

Shingz

2011-11-01T23:43:00.003+08:00

I swear DHL is freaking efficient. Maybe its just me being biased but okay whatever. Diana F+ Glow's here. I was dead surprised this morning when it did arrive and I saw it sitting on my dining table when I stepped out of the house. Awesome stuff.

The 35mm back isn't here yet though. But shall see when that arrives.

Now for some self discipline as I leave the Glow by the side till 21 days later. It'll be worth it. Can't wait to go nuts over the new camera.

And yes, of course, still smiling, (:

Pretty good start to November there. Its gonna turn out great, shall trust it will.

Wishful Thinking.

2011-10-31T23:31:00.000+08:00

What on earth was I thinking of when I searched the song of the lyrics you posted and got the song into my iTunes, my iPod, now everytime it plays I can't help but think that way.

Afterall, what was I expecting.

Yearly Affair

2011-10-31T20:31:00.002+08:00

Its that time of the year again, the doorbell keeps ringing and the cute kids all dressed up carrying plastic bags, pumpkin buckets and stuff like that go around trick or treating, which in my estate, of course, treat.

Reminds me of when I was a younger kid, used to be among them, going round the estate and even the landed property outside the estate, where there, there's the 'trick' part of the trick or treat. Black boxes with noodles as brain juices and fishballs as eyeballs. Spider webs and witches. Good times. Good old times.

The doorbell has rung for countless times and the kids are uber cute. All the memories.

Also, reminds me of last year, exactly a year ago. Post Promos. PW OP prep. Pumpkin carving, sparklers, watermelons, slow night shots, alcohol, etc. Good times then too. Yearly affair. Never did slip my mind, but we're all bound by the circumstances.

Nevertheless, Happy Halloween everyone, have a spooky good time y'all. Its that time of the year we remind ourselves that we should all have a life. Remind ourselves that its actually fine putting on masks and costumes to be someone else, as if we haven't already been on any other day. But take it this way, take this time of the year to remind ourselves that its actually okay, we all want to be somebody else.

But at the end of it all, you go home, take off those masks, and reconcile with who you are. Maybe next year, go dressed up as yourself. And maybe, try putting those masks and costumes aside till this time next year.

Happy Halloween y'all, peace out.

The Story.

2011-10-29T17:02:00.000+08:00

As much as I want the world to know.

I do not want to tell that story too many times.

I do not want to tell my story once too many times.

For each time I tell it, tears overwhelm and its difficult to hold them back.

I do not want to tell my story too many times for I'm afraid one day the tears will dry and the story will not get the tears it deserves. Afraid that one day the story will lose its hurt and heartbreak, which was what made the story in the first place.

Here's

2011-10-26T17:36:00.002+08:00

It scares me how I find comfort in those photos.

Like where am I coming back to every night, or every evening? What is it even, anymore.

All the unsaid.

Yeah, words hurt, got it.

I'm honestly so close to giving up talking altogether.

Finally, someone who gets my point, between now and then. The right person at that. Thank you.

Till It Clears

2011-10-19T00:41:00.001+08:00

Oh yes of course,
They say that everything will be okay.
And if it isn't okay,
It isn't the end yet.

So clichéd, but so many of
you believe in it because there isn't anything
left for you to convince
yourself that all will be
okay.

But what is really important,
is what happens between
the not okay now, and the okay later.

So many things can happen, you lose yourself, find yourself.
You lose yourself, and forget who you ever were.
You struggle through, be that bit stronger.
Or you struggle through and barely make it with skin and bones.

What matters, isn't that things will be okay.
What matters, is what happens between the time
when things aren't okay, till things are okay.
So stop blinding yourself.
Keep strong till its okay.
Thats what matters.

Hell Of A Ride, Four Great Years

2011-10-17T23:50:00.000+08:00

Today, I stepped home and was greeted with people asking me "So you don't need to go to school anymore right?", "Tomorrow don't need to wake you up at 6 right?", "You're finally done with school yeah?"

Tomorrow, I'm wondering how it will feel like for half the parade square to be empty. Difference or not. Empty space or empty hearts. It'll feel different from when the J3s left us last year. Then, we were the ones left behind, now we're leaving, left. But there. And there, if you'd want to heal things, take that one step out and stretch that hand out.

Enough said, words always fail me, least to my surprise. But yes, I'm done with school. Minus the exams bit, I'm done.

Started at the TA blocks, ended there. Full circle once again. Brilliant. Too many photos all around.

Too many memories, which I somehow am not in the mood to list. Maybe its overwhelming. Maybe its resignation. Maybe its too precious to be reduced to words. Maybe its numbness. Maybe its too much love.

But whatever it is, thank you all, for making these four years a hell of a ride, ups and downs, but as awesome as it will always be.

Breathe a sigh of relief for we got through it, for we'll have all the memories and love to fall back on.

Never did regret stepping into this school, no matter how much I might complain about it. Never did. School culture? Community of love. Cliched, but I actually believe its true, and I believe in it.

One hell of a ride, but so in love with it. Four great years.

Chunkfest '11

2011-10-15T19:30:00.000+08:00

Late Night Snack - Vanilla Bean ice cream with Salty Caramel Swirl & Fudge covered Potato Chip Clusters

Froyo Choc Fudge Brownie - Chocolate Low Fat Frozen Yoghurt with Fudge Brownies

Vanilla Frozen Yoghurt - Creamy Low Fat Frozen Yoghurt

Froyo Half Baked - Chocolate & Vanilla Low Fat Frozen Yoghurt with Fudgey Brownies & Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

Four really awesome flavours flown in from the States. Brilliant. Had a really great time today. Chunkfest '11, and Faircoins! :D Brought Shima out for a spin too.

Best news yet, Lomography is finally going to open in Singapore. And I'm gonna get my lomographs up their wallpaper. Brilliant.

Kinda sore not bringing any analouges home today ): Nevermind, good things are worth the wait. But as consolation, Redscale XR should be pretty awesome (:

Cuminations.

2011-10-14T23:59:00.000+08:00

Before it hits midnight, yes, so there, that was four years worth of everything. Once again, it isn't exactly the end yet, cause there's still farewell next Monday, but today was nostalgic enough.

Maybe its the significance and memories and all that was fuelling me, been holding up not too badly on 6 hours of sleep altogether for two whole days. Two whole schooldays, with each day ending near 10pm when I get home. Superhuman for abit.

Couple of nostalgic moments today. When Mrs. Lim passed me the attendance book and gave me a rare smile, and said "Nah, last time marking attendance at the assembly ground." Last GP classes. Last Econs lecture. And last class of the four years in TJ ever - Literature. The last 1hour40mins. Was trying to absorb everything in the Lit room - Lit room, for the last time ever. Loved the parting statement we had.

Parting statement after four years in TA, Ms Nansi, after a pretty usual sombre Lit class:
Ms.N: "Okay we're done with class today."
Us: "We're actually done with class for the year, actually, its the last class after four years."
Ms.N: "Ohmy, four years? Sorry that was kinda anti-climatic, if I knew earlier I'd made it more exciting. What was your first class in TJ anyway?"
*Some of us had LA as our first ever class*
Us: "We came full circle. Started with Lit, ended with Lit."

Literature through and through - a life subject, a life issue, a life of its own entirely.

There are photos and photo albums and status updates and notes and whatsoever of my friends from other colleges for their farewell and graduation ceremonies and concerts and all that. I'm actually glad that ours is next Monday. Weird as it may seem, ending our tertiary education on a Monday, I'm suddenly glad for that one more day. Just that one more day.

Think that would be pretty hard to take and embrace.

Despite all the crap, in all seriousness, there's too much to miss and to remember. Shall leve the (possible) tear jerkers and all the nostalgia for next week. Spare myself and the audiences from unnecessary drama here.

Love.

Desire.

2011-10-14T00:02:00.001+08:00

iPod Touch White is out and I'm dying to lay my hands on it. After A's it shall be. New toy(s).

And I can't believe the Metal Editions of La Sardinas are out too. They're way too classy I can't not lay my hands on one. Cash strapped ohman. SOMEHOW. Need need need to lay my hands on one. Too cool. Comes in a freaking wooden box with fine metal cameras. Too awesome to resist.

Someone save me now.

Of course, tomorrow's the last official day of school, after four years. How time jetplanes through the years. Hopefully tomorrow doesn't screw up, don't quite want my memory of the last day ever to be tainted by anything. But really, pretty nostalgic there. I shall not go all wishy washy here cause I've got quite a bit of work to rush, am surviving on borrowed time from my sleep bank which never existed. Still alive, on 2.5hours of sleep.

Hang in there just abit more.

Think it'll probably hit me only on Monday. I'll miss the place, the people freaking bad when we're out of school for good, despite the millionth time I've said I can't wait to get out of this shithole, I'll miss it terribly much. For all the goods and the bads. All that's worth and all that's not.

Inventing Shadows

2011-10-12T21:55:00.001+08:00

Email from TJC about a certain PSC Scholarship application nomination thing.

Wasn't expecting it at all, never did consider that at all. But I suppose since it came knocking at the door, might as well take a chance. Cliched, but what's the quote/phrase about grabbing opportunities again? Yeah, insert that certain quote here. Never did think about it, never quite good enough, never did read about it in detail, all the nevers, but probably gonna give it a go, since my mom's behind me on that. Chances low, but whatever. Everything, anything, nothing goes.

Yeah, I've got to get out of the lousiness I'm in. And do what I need to do. I need to be able to do what I want in uni, get a huge house. Huge house with full length wooden bookshelves, with a loft, with a room with all the music needs you told me about, with your pool table and your overhead projector, with all the zen designs you like, with forests around, the cosiness and the cottage feel, with an outdoor swing, with more space, just the way you like it. Gonna work towards that for you guys.

Now, that works, probably.

Ohyes, two days late, but happy birthday, and yes, travelling the world is possible.

PS. Am collating the CIP hours for the class cause Mr. Heng wants it. And okay omg, never knew the 4 years worth of CIP I did was so much. O.O And TOOP isn't even added. Woahh.

You see the world only in grey and black
Now how could anybody live like that
Without screaming
Without dying for dreaming
And you stare out the window at the passing cars
And you look at sky, thank your unlucky stars
No you're never quite happy where you are
So you keep on inventing shadows
When there are none

Find Your Mirror

2011-10-11T22:39:00.000+08:00

I hope you know you're sounding like me when you talk. The words, the tangibles and the intangibles. I think you do, since we've brought it up before.

It scares me how much its intertwined. How your words find my words in its mirror. So much for ambivalence and ambiguity, know what you're dealing with, then read between the lines, catch the words as they fall through the cracks of my silence. Brilliance.

And it scares me how I read your words, I get what you're saying. But I don't feel it anymore. Or not as much as before. And its only been months from years back.

So go on, find your mirror, if mine's only fit to be the gilded frame. Then so be it, and so it shall be, how much of a dose of syrup do I need, to cure numbness.

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

2011-10-06T21:11:00.002+08:00

Yes I know that, RIP Steve Jobs.

Its everywhere on the net, by the lips, on the papers, every possible word every possible second every possible crack you see RIP Steve Jobs, or anything else related. Here, even. Cliché, but I can't miss this out, yes he's revolutionized the world, changed the way we did things, change lives, touched lives, did good, inspired, etc. And we all thank him for that. But why didn't we do that any earlier.

Kinda got me thinking, these four years in TA, many deaths there, personal, and international, famous ones and unknown ones. MJ, Mrs.LKY, Jobs to name a few. Things happen, people pass on, an undeniable fact isn't it. What doesn't change with all of that, is how foolish the living stays, how foolish we keep erring.

Yes, no doubt, no doubt at all he changed the world technologically. Products, thoughts, skills, way of doing things, business etc. But don't ignore, nor forget his qualities. For who he is,please, he's extraordinary, and it'll stay that way. RIPSteveJobs.

Been reading excerpts from Jobs' commencement speech at Stanford U. Been seeing links to that video everywhere too. It sounded familiar, so I played it once, I listened, didn't watch. Just, listened. And the words said appeared in my head, appeared in print in my head, familiar, wasn't the first time I came across it.

Stretched out to the pile of TIME and Newsweek sitting by the edge of my table. I don't have the habit of keeping every copy of the issue that gets delivered here. I keep those that would probably information I need, or those that made sense to me, or those that had quotes I didn't want to forget, or those that struck close to heart. I knew, for a fact, that the September 5th copy was there. So sure about it, and wasn't proven wrong. September 5th 2011, slightly more than a month from today's date, or from yesterday's date. It was a Newsweek copy, titled: American Genius Steve Jobs - How He Changed Our World. No doubt when I saw it that I'd read it, I just didn't know I'd keep it, and actually had one of his quotes stuck in my head. I repeated it to my mom so many occasions just to convince her to read that issue. Now, who read that issue, who gave thanks to this extraordinary man, and who actually truly appreciated everything.

It was a quote from the speech he made, he made that speech in 2005, the article was printed in Sept 2011, how many knew about it?

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important ... There is no reason not to follow your heart"

Somehow I read it at an important juncture of my life. It was war between the head and the heart then. And I got my answer there. "There is no reason not to follow your heart." Of course, I did bring my head along too, did so innately. It just clicked, and stayed on. And hence, the copy sits on my table, belonging under the "I'm keeping it because it struck close to heart, and because there are quotes I don't want to forget" category.

The past year or so, been following up on an acquaintance, a friend's post about how she misses her late grandmother, and how much she loves her, etc. But its heartwarming, because the reader feels the love that existed, the thanks, and the gratitude that existed before the heart stops.

Some death brings comfort, an extraordinary comfort when the life's all lived out, for oneself and for all the rest, when the heart is followed and the head is listened to. Some death brings comfort, an extraordinary comfort when the thanks is given, when the hands are shook, when the shoulders are comforted, when the head is patted for a job well done. Not for what he/she can do, but for who he/she is.

Plea, please, stop waiting. Keep loving. Keep appreciating. Keep living in the moment. Keep doing what makes you happy, because it'd make another happy, before you can't. Stay insane, and sane all the same. Stay firm, yet fickle all the time. Stay following your heart. Stay on. Stay living. Just keep at it.

Please, don't err any longer. Its insanely, but please, stop waiting till people disappear. Please don't any longer.

"Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish"

With Love, and Thanks.

Mango Trees

2011-10-03T22:58:00.000+08:00

yellow! am still recovering from the madness of mangoes. to you there, thank you for sharing my craziness over the phone when I was spazzing over the changes. speaking of which, the smiley is still super ugly, but i'll get used to it cause you can't possibly not use it when texting me, HEH. k got to calm down here. and yes, im wishing that instead of sharing the craziness over the phone, like you said, you should be able to video all my madness down, right here. (: the day's been bad enough with all the crap. been sulking groaning moaning emonemoing for long enough, thankyou for bearing with me, know it isnt easy, this kid here. but mangoes are thrilling, as retarded as it sounds. so much for wanting to sleep an hour ago. :D ly. finally, mangoes are kinda ripe, and sweet here. i want mango ice cream!

Sail The Seven Seas

2011-10-03T00:10:00.002+08:00

This last bit, the North Pole.

(:

As always, the last bit always proves to be the toughest.

Jetted through the world in abit.

Brilliant.

Caves.

2011-10-03T00:00:00.002+08:00

Just piecing this together made me learn so many things.

Its true, as the world gets bigger you find it so much harder to hold it in one hand.

As the world gets bigger and completes itself you find it harder to see the inside, the inside of the other side of it, simply for the fact that the world is round. It caves in on your vision. It caves in on you.

Bolivia.(:
Mongolia.(:
China.(:

Of Worlds.

2011-10-02T23:40:00.001+08:00

Ever felt like you were on top of the world.

Or should I put it this way, like you had the world in your hands.

Like how 112 connects mysteriously to 81 and piece by piece you hold the world in your hands, so delicate, so fragile, but so much unsaid in it.

Conquering and owning the world are two entirely different stories. Both of love, both so precious, both of so much unsaid.

Of worlds.

Wilkes Land. (:
French Polynesia. (:
Brazil. (:

2011-10-02T23:33:00.001+08:00

Australia. (:

Southern Hemisphere. (:

I'm gonna cry if I lose any one piece of this.

Love You Lately

2011-10-01T23:37:00.002+08:00

Its been ages since we celebrated Childrens' Day for real.

I remember times when we were still in primary school and our teachers would come into class with lollipops, or pencils, erasers, chocolate coins, sweets, balloons, whatever, and thrill us with them. Cheap thrills, but now those were blessed, missed times that are way too precious now.

2011's Childrens' Day's ending in a bit. Or should I call it, Kids' Day, as you would call it. For all the self-delivered parcels and for all the unsaid words, I don't want today to end.

When today ends it'd mean I'm yet another day older, yet another year older from last year's childrens' day. I know about being young at heart. I know about being kiddy. I know about how much of a kid I am when I'm out. All my stints with balloons. All my funny expressions, as you guys claim.

Can that be forever, please.

"Cause there's a thousand lights that'll make you feel brand new, but if you ever lose your way I'll leave one on for you."

Happy Childrens' Day.
I love you.

Gold Coins.

2011-09-29T21:47:00.003+08:00

The week's drawing to an end and it feels like time is on a jet plane, as usual. But I like this jet plane I'm on. I like the pace. I like the noise. I like the height. I like the thrill. I like the balancing act. I like the controls.

School's been a huge balancing act. But I'm glad about it. Lost, and found. Like ancient gold coins found in the depths of some certain unknown abyss.

I haven't met my Jap cousins for a long while. Okay, technically speaking, half-Jap. Either way, cool enough. Riku's terribly cute. He has pretty brown hair and really endearing eyes. And that smile that gets me so tickled. Airi reminds me of the simple things in life. And how some evil twist of fate leaves one so prone to everything else. Airi's Riku's twin. I'm not sure of the exact diagnosis, but my darling cousin Airi was born with either autism or down syndrome, or something similar. Its telling, as with any other kid, or patient. But looking at the photos my uncle has on Facebook, Airi's smile is addictive. That's one unspoken language everyone will understand. That smile and that laughter. Its heartening to see how much better she is with therapy and all the love. But it pains me to see her that way. She's one cute, darling kid nevertheless. I haven't seen them in a long while since they went back to Japan. They're probably 5, or 6 now. (:

Love them.

Conscious.

2011-09-26T20:58:00.000+08:00

Hello there, (:

Am pretty lucky, and glad that I'm well and conscious as of now.

Last night was a hell of a ride. Both figuratively and literally.

Apparently my worries and considerations as to whether I should watch The Voice or the F1 Grand Prix was a waste of time cause I watched neither anyway.

Rather huge shock when my forehead burned at 39.6 last night, together with a pounding headache, giddiness, sore throat, phlegm etc. which scarily made it difficult to stay conscious. I'm glad its better now. Don't wanna lose my brain to a fever, too many things, and too many people that I can't afford to forget.

All of those symptoms are still existent, just possibly at a much much lower level. Mmhm. Don't quite like that stack of pills on my table. Haven't had so many in a long while. Not too good a thing, but fortunately, or unfortunately, this comes only after Prelims, and before A's. Not too good a thing when I can't quite grip anything cause strength fails me, four essays would be a torture then.

Literally was cause on the way back home form the hospital my mom drove right past the F1 track. "Don't try racing Vettel" Heh. Nah I didn't. Some sort of a mood uplifter from how down I was due to the "very serious flu" as quoted from the doctor I saw.

And I'm sorry, to those I worried. Didn't mean to, and don't want to. And thank you for all the phonecalls, texts, notes, time and love. And thankyou to those who came down today (: Really appreciated it. And sorry I couldn't play good host today.

For all the kids' spoons (: I'm a kid. You agreed (:

Been given 2 days MC, not too sure if I'd be going back to school tomorrow. Shall see how that goes I suppose.

Anyway, continued with progress on Project Patience. I hope it works out at the end of it all. And I hope nothing screws up along the way. Got a couple of weeks more.

And yes, happy birthday you. (:

2011-09-26T19:22:00.002+08:00

Sri Lanka (:

2011-09-24T01:42:00.001+08:00

Tanzania.(:

Souls.

2011-09-24T00:38:00.000+08:00

11.55pm now. Before midnight strikes, cinderella gets home, and before midnight strikes, 17th, and just so thankful, and grateful for everything. (:

For the longest time ever, Prelims' are over. Am really glad about that, most would, I presume. For from a pretty personal point of view, the past 36-40 hours ever since I submitted my SEA History paper, has been a hell of a time, crazy, mad fun and nevertheless, tiring. But worth every ounce of energy placed into every word, every action, every second.

From good news to good times with good people.

Sleepovers, overnight chats, all the nostalgia and all the unspoken words. And all the realizations about all the hurt and everything that I've done. I don't know. Guilt, or responsibility. Or everything mixed all in one. Don't know quite abit of things, but sure do know that I'm gonna try not letting anything similar happen again, alright? Either way, it was good time spent, quality time too at that. Glimpse of after A's.

And yes of course, all the unplanned, unnoticed, and totally unexpected breakfast delivery. Pretty glad that this time my reaction wasn't as retarded as the previous time. Trained for that already. Tsk. Glimpse of after A's.

And without a doubt, 17th. (: Been looking forward to this for a bit, for one, it'd mean that Prelims are over, and it'd also mean that its another month closer to everything else, which also means that the past 2 months are history, of course, scars and bruises, no doubt. But then again, "that which does not kill you makes your stronger" yes? And so we are too. Proud of us for that. Empty trains on the green line and late nights and white roses and movie marathons. Imo, I think the train part was damn cool. Totally unexpected and unplanned, but turned out brilliant. :D Glimpse of after A's.

Finally got to bowl since forever after the paper yesterday. Had lunch at the airport prior to that, didn't know I'd actually miss the airport that badly. All the memories there with all the different people, both good times and bad. But memories don't change. So there. Good news before leaving school made the day a whole lot bearable, and made all false optimism more concrete. I'll do you proud, as promised, won't let you down.

Oh yes, without a doubt the past 2 weeks hasn't been easy, past month actually, with the stress, the attempts to spot questions, the self-consolation and all that. But to everyone who made that a whole lot more bearable, just wanted to say a huge thankyou, really appreciated everything. From phonecalls to chats to small words to texts, and iPhone whales, TSK. Just glad to have you guys around.

Sidenote, Sunday's coming, which also means The Voice's gonna be airing. Huge mood lifter. Not to mention, there's Mythbusters too. Can finally watch with a peace of mind not needing to think about having to grab some notes after the shows.

On a less upbeat note, busted my left hip, again. Wasn't being clumsy this time round, more of being stubborn and uh, head-strong. But I couldn't quite help it. And this time round, its the worst since the first. Never had that much difficulty with stairs. Now it takes quite abit of courage and a much higher pain threshold to get past those stairs. It'll pass, quickly, hopefully.

Gonna undergo some sort of a huge patience test the next couple of weeks, days, hopefully. But its probably gonna be worthwhile. Both the process and outcome, especially personally, gonna be a huge satisfying achievement. Shall see how that works out.

And yes you going to school is like me going to school too, so please, don't worry that badly anymore alright.

Now, after hours of shared good quality time, time for some good alone time.

(:

Drips.

2011-09-21T19:13:00.002+08:00

This is an interesting phenomenon.

People tend to text me even in the shower.

And I wonder how many others do but that I not know of.

Straws.

2011-09-19T22:10:00.000+08:00

Okay I've got so much so much so much to say now. So many people on my mind. You, especially, after reading what you've written, less than a month ago. But I've got a paper tomorrow, so, head over heart. I'll deal with that, hopefully, after my papers this week. Hopefully then, I'll still be feeling the way I'm feeling now so I can capture it as close as I would want to right this minute. But I can't, now.

I just want you to know, I know you'll be reading this, but I don't know when your eyes will glaze this page. I know it for a fact because you texted me, called me, just to make sure I was alright when I hit rock bottom a while back and you stumbled back here, read, and called up.

I just want you to know, yeah, you're probably right, I don't care as much as I used to. But that doesn't mean, in any way, that I don't care. That it doesn't bother me. That I'm not trying to find a way around it. You're shutting yourself away from me, and you do know that the more walls your build, the harder, higher I've got to climb over them, and it tires me out.

So please, let me back in.

Have you forgotten who got you through those times. Have you forgotten who was there to bandage those wounds while we were on foreign land. Have you forgotten how we'd troop out into the snow with a camera in hand and just away from the rest at the hostel. Have you forgotten who witnessed the craziest thing I did in school. Have you forgotten who helped you through times when everyone else had their backs on you. Have you forgotten about the balloon at your place when exams were looming. Have you forgotten all the sleepovers and BBQs. Have you forgotten about how we were catching the prawns and trying to keep calm. Have you forgotten who introduced Broken Down by Kevin Hammond to you and you told me you liked it. Have you forgotten. Or were those times unworthy. Or was I that unworthy afterall.

I won't prove to be who you want me to be, I can't. But I'll show you four years wasn't that unworthy afterall. It has never been, actually. You took that, and threw it away, the way you threw my trust down the road. Take me as I am. Cause I can't be the me you want me to be.

The Voice

2011-09-18T22:05:00.001+08:00

Yeah, one minute before the hour hand changes. The same hour that I heard the best voices.

To the huge Man U fan whom I know will be reading this, I told you before, and I'll say it again here. I think im as crazy and excited watching The Voice as you are watching your matches. Gosh.

I get blown away by The Voice every time I watch it, seriously. All the insanely brilliant voices. Over and over again. I'm upset when it doesnt last longer than 9.50pm. But I'm thankful I got to hear all of that. Its pure brilliance.

Yes I take sides, we all do, but they're all awesome. Got to admit that, and hats off to all. Xenia, especially. I'm sorry, but I'm in love with her voice. Again and again, again and again, all over again.

Lily Elise was pretty awesome this time round too. Never quite paid attention to that song, but this time, listening to Big Girls Don't Cry, for the first time I nearly teared. Got to the heart, imo.

Dia Frampton was creative, and unique, and pretty cool with whatever she did. (:

And Xenia. Oh Xenia. I've got no right words for her. Words fail me, again. Love her, love love love love love her.

*But yeah, I know, I'll curb that insanity*

I know I don't usually post bout things like that, but I was quite carried away watching today's episode. I'm amused at how the family needs to deal with my excitement every time I watch it.

Countdown to Team Adam and Team CeeLo next week starts nao :D

Frozen Laughs.

2011-09-18T02:35:00.001+08:00

Please grant me all the slide/B&W films.

Fuji Sensia.
Fuji Velvia.
Fuji Superia.
Kodak Elitechrome.
Kodak Portra.
Kodak Ektar
Kodak E100VS.
Agfa CT Precisa.
Agfa Vista.
Lomography X-Pro Slide.
Ilford HP5.
Klick Max 24.

Just the tip of the iceberg.

And the bulk of them got to be flown in :\

And for you crazy lovelies, don't come running with them, I'll find my way to it, don't to be at your expense, nor time, nor effort.

I want to capture your every laugh, every tear, on every roll I have.

Starry Nights.

2011-09-18T01:06:00.002+08:00

Dragging goodnights.

(:

Break.

2011-09-10T15:51:00.000+08:00

Inked in blue on crisp paper on the Ninth of Septemver Twenty Eleven in the book meant only for private eyes, extracted, with some edits:

-----

"Today I realized something that I actually already know, but didn't strike me as hard as it did today. And it never felt this nostalgic, saddening, or even painful as it did today.

Today, on the spur of a moment, I went to the bookshop to get those transparent plastic wrap, very commonly used to wrap books. All the more common in my house especially since my dad and I are book lovers.

Yes, its been 8, 9, 10? years that I haven't been staying with my dad. Its been so long that I haven't been able to see my dad sit on the balcony floor, of whichever house we used to stay in, with his shirt, and in his white shorts, starched, seated sometimes cross-legged, or with his legs stretched out. Once in a while, that morning's newspapers would sit in front of him. Other times, more often actually, he'd have a penknife in one hand, plastic wrap in another, and a book on the floor in front of him.

Yes. That was my father's craft. Of course, my father was brilliant at school. A doctorate in Theatre/Film Studies, which pissed my mother off... [section meant for more than private eyes excluded]... Alright, so, my dad was good at reading books, writing books, teaching books. Yes, he was a great writer (many of his writings were often published) and a great teacher (principal, actually.) But honestly, I didn't quite care nuts about all that. What was, and is still buried in me, was, and still is his ability to wrap books in that plastic sheet that once looked useless, unimpressive and lifeless, all in a roll. He'll spend rather long periods of time sitting there, wrapping books. His books, and sometimes mine. The others in the family don't read that much. They never quite understood, but encouraged our love for reading.

These many years, I haven't had the chance to watch him wrap a book. But I'd often pass him a couple of mine, some school Literature texts even. He'll bring it back to me, all wrapped, and blessed by the magic he performs like second nature. His craft. It was not too long ago that I realized he doesn't need scotch tape to keep the plastic wrap in place. He presses the sides and borders so well, it stays where he wants it to. Magic. His craft.

So today, I tried it myself, after not touching the plastic wrap for such a long time. I've always told many around me that I can wrap books. And am rather good at it, after all, my dad taught me since I was a younger kid. What I could do would suffice for any other normal books, but what I didn't say, was that relative to my dad, I should just dig a hole and disappear. And so today, I sat in front of the television after many hours of revising History, spread some newspapers on the marble/granite ground, and did what I call "What I'm good at". Wrapping some of the books that's been exposed to dust for quite a while. I tried, and I failed. I tried again, and failed again. Twice. It was slanted, the edges weren't smooth, the wrapping didn't fit well etc. I gave up. Thinking I should just pass it to him when he drops by so he can work his magic. Then I decided to give it one more go. This time, I brought everything to the balcony. I left the roll of scotch tape behind. Big dreams, some call it. Bravery, I'd say. But if my father could do it, I suppose I could too.

I've never paid so much attention wrapping a book before, but it paid off. Somehow, as I was working my father's craft, I realized how much I miss being able to see my dad wrapping his book, my book, whoever's, at the balcony, working his magic, and working his craft. For the first time ever, I got the book all wrapped and done, without scotch tape. The sides and the borders listened to my fingers. Its now underneath my bed. As he'd always say its necessary to keep it neat and compressed. I'm proud of myself, and proud that he's my dad.

I know I don't talk to him much. We haven't exactly been the father and daughter you'd see off any other neighbourhood, though sometimes I wish we were. But I'm glad he's my dad, despite all the wrongs he's done. He's my dad. And I love him. And I miss those times he'd sit on the balcony floor, in his starched white shorts, with either the newspapers in front of him, or a penknife in one hand, plastic wrap in the other, and a book in front of him."

-----

I suppose its a nice welcoming break from all the depression and all the ambivalence, and ambiguity that pervades the words you read off this page.

Get Up Eight.

2011-09-10T00:53:00.001+08:00

Fall down seven times, get up eight. Credited. So true, but so tiring.

I haven't felt so terribly unmotivated in a long while. I know its the last lap. So? I know its now or never. Really? These three months will be a fraction of forever. So? I know I've got to do what I have to do. Really? Nah maybe not. Who am I doing this for anyway. Who am I kidding. Who am I hanging in there for. What or who?

Will deal with myself. Stars to dust. Stardust.

Hoping a midnight dose of good music can cure this.

Stripes.

2011-09-06T20:36:00.002+08:00

#1. I'm glad you're home and doing well. Be a good kid and don't move about (jump around) too often. 0.5% naughty yes? (: Words fail me. You and your tent (:

#2. Pretty thrilled with the new books I got today, good ones at that. Reading them would take a while though.

#3. Superheadz's Goldenhalf Zebra a.k.a. Shima, is now sitting next to bluefin and I'm really glad he's a new addition to the family. Tiny, but such a beauty.

#4. Tomorrow.

#5. I'm hoping I'd hold up well for the next 2-3 hours.

Anxiety Disorders

2011-09-05T14:57:00.001+08:00

Y'know the more I read about it the more I'm praying and hoping it isn't the case. Yeah, the case of anxiety disorders. Cause while some physical symptoms are pretty similar, none of the mental nor emotional ones are. I don't know and I hope it isn't that I'm deluding myself that the emotional and mental symptoms aren't similar. But it really doesn't seem like it.

But then again, who is to say? Especially since it might be somewhere hidden in the genes. But I honestly hope it isn't. Cause that won't be good news, at all.

If.

2011-09-04T22:40:00.006+08:00

If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I paint you. (Cause) the words will never show the you I've come to know.

Its just so known, so accepted, that words aren't enough. Never seem to be enough. No where near enough to convey the intangibles, the emotions, the heart, the love, the pain, the worry, the anguish, nor the hurt.

And maybe that's just why some eyes speak. They speak a language that no other can speak, and they do it so well.

And I ask of you, if you've felt the fear I feel, the hurt that hurts, the cold that numbs and the helplessness that cripples. Its simple, two things do all of that to you, fear, and worry.

My dad says its good training. I say its experience. So close to tears from fear.

And I hate facing this, again. Too much in a year.

I want to switch off my phone, curl in bed under a blanket and disappear, cause each text makes me jump and makes my heart skip a beat, which doesn't help with anything. Waiting sucks. But I'll wait.

I'd take the pain myself. Take the hurt myself. Take it all myself if it means anything to you.

Not about being all torn up and pieced together, but about holding the pieces together. And, watching the stars turn to dust.

And this is why I'm heartstrong.

And thankyou for being there.

Prayers.

2011-09-03T21:38:00.001+08:00

So ready to add another little guy to the family. (L) To join sardine cans. Hopefully tomorrow will turn out fine, and hopefully my nose will hold up good. (:

*fingers crossed*

Checklist.

2011-09-03T15:25:00.003+08:00

As a #Scorpio, your intense silences say more than a long gab session would.

A #Scorpio vice: Lust

Even the smallest simplest thing a #Scorpio does is well thought out.

#Scorpios radiate strength. Even in an absence of experience they seem to "just know" things.

#Scorpios know that they're greatest weakness is denying weakness and greatest strength is forgiving weakness.

#Scorpios' apparent suspicion can be trying for the people who love them.

#Scorpios often have a strong fear of betrayal.

#Scorpios may be freaks but I can promise you they treat you right.

A #Scorpio's favourtie gift is given without a reason, wrap it well, they enjoy the mystery of what is hidden inside.

Sometimes a #Scorpio has the tendency to bring out in themselves the very thing they fight against.

As a #Scorpio, you can be mixture of different things and this confuses people.

A #Scorpio will love anything out of the world, or hidden in this world.

#Scorpios seek emotional intensity.

If you get a #Scorpio to talk about their lives, you'd be awed at all that they've been through.

#Scorpios are incredible and fascinating but not always likable.

Its far too common with #Scorpios because when they love, they love hard.

People usually see #Scorpios as selfish and manipulative to get what they want.

#Scorpios need to be more forgiving and not be too demanding of faults in people.

Once upset, #Scorpios can express themselves in destructive words/actions.

#Scorpios give the appearance of being withdrawn from the center of activity but those who know them see their watchfulness.

#Scorpios sometimes possess penetrating eyes that make shyer companions feel naked and defenceless before them.

#teamscorpio, and proud. and of course no one's defined by their horoscope, think about it, actually, we define the horoscope, so there.

cheers.

Future.

2011-09-03T02:07:00.002+08:00

and how would it be like if i left your life?

am not on an alcohol high, perfectly sane here.

sidenote, im dying for a collection of cameras, analogue ones. yeah, got the hint there. XD

love, yours.

Distance.

2011-09-01T02:27:00.000+08:00

Crap, I miss you.

Impulse.

2011-08-26T23:55:00.000+08:00

Too many things and thoughts to be put in words.

Loved the atmosphere and everything that happened, from home to school back to home again the past twentyfour hours.

Of impulsive acts and heart-led instructions.

Crux is, for another of today. Many many more.

Restart

2011-08-23T23:29:00.004+08:00

There's about 30 minutes left till today's done. And so much happened today, from the smallest slightest change and touch and emotion, to all the big talks and big walks. Honestly, I enjoyed every bit of today, and everyone who made today brilliant.

Of school fields, stars, nightsky, picnics.

Of good spicy food, coffee.

Of 'next trains', smelling nice, kicking, shoulders.

Of new earpieces, cakes, attempts.

zohkay, deepbreath, a step back, let's take it from the start, all over again.

I can prove it to you if you want me to, as much and as easily you can get intoxicated, you can be left permanently drunk. And y'know, if you say the same things to different people, I don't quite think you actually mean them.

Apt

2011-08-22T23:54:00.002+08:00

Okay, I just saw this on Twitter and I totally went "whoa, how apt."

LostWords_ Lostone
Trust, years to earn, seconds to break #fact

Undercurrents

2011-08-22T21:10:00.004+08:00

The optimist would say that today was a great day. For you've proved your gut instincts right, once again.

Saw those who'd stick through, saw those who never left, saw those who noticed the slightest thing about you, saw those who you thought turned their backs on you two years ago, but noticed how much the shoulder hurt, and asked if it was alright.

And found a new addition to your audience.

When it seems the best solution

Was for you to join the raindrops

In their quest to form puddles

Boots splash in.

For the rain to wash over you,

And in a blink of an eye

Disappear with the rain

And be reduced to just drops

In simple,

Desperate hope to wash the pain away.

It was scarily calm. It was scarily awake. It was scarily clear. And it was as if every pixel was right in front of you.

Quite literally, wounds become raw again.

Marching Band

2011-08-21T00:51:00.002+08:00

"We're the fire the flames

They can't put out

A faith like oxygen

So breathe it in

Be with me now"

Tiny.

2011-08-20T00:40:00.001+08:00

okay why is this happening. why is it changing this way. is it a passing mood or phase. or what does it show. you know, sometimes i dont know what i have to lose.

nothing to lose and everything to gain.

and small acts of kindness and love and just really unexpected small actions just makes my day. of raisins, butter biscuits, monster boxes and evenings.

Best A While

2011-08-17T20:04:00.002+08:00

I had my heartache, you had yours.

I had my downs, you had yours.

I just had the best a while of the day, you had yours.

We're even.

I do not understand. You know it hurts me, you know it hurts the very person you care about. Yet you do it all the same.

2011-08-17T15:13:00.001+08:00

Till it bleeds.

Watch me.

Limbo

2011-08-17T02:14:00.002+08:00

Being able to feel so at home, showered, barefooted, and just totally at ease in school late in the evening is one of the craziest feelings I'd miss when its time to graduate. Being able to lie on the field watching the evening sky, watching the sky fade from light blue to pink to a slightly darker shade of blue, then to near darkness is amazing. Being able to lie right there motionless and stare at the lighted part of the sky at the corner, with the world seemingly suspended in limbo for just that moment. That moment you lay flat and the world silences everything, just you, your breathing, the wind, and your heartbeat. Its simply amazing and priceless.

Off The Speed Dial

2011-08-16T00:39:00.002+08:00

Today, or should I say, yesterday, has been, as quoted, pretty queer. Maybe less of queer for me, but it was odd, oddly good, to be frank.

Had a pretty inspirational, and motivational morning. Sprinkled with some laughter, smiles, surprises, nice chats, all summed up nicely with meeting great people. I miss those times, and I want countless repeats of that. Makes you feel there's something, someone worth being there for.

You can't have your cake and eat it too, make that choice, and go head on into it, I'd promise you your insecurities would fade, if you'd believe in the theory of belaying, I'd be that belayer to the climber you are.

I'm telling you, you can't do it better than what months of experience, faith and memories have made us, just saying.

It felt really weird, when the sky turned dark, not the kind of dark you dread, the kind of dark where you know the sun's still behind some lucky cloud out there in the sky. It was a kind of yellowish-dark that the sky turned into. And the wind, and you expect the sails to change, but it doesn't pour, doesn't rain, in fact you can't spot a single drop of rain.

There are times you wish your eyes are shutters, your hands are paintbrushes, your ears are recorders, to capture and freeze that perfect moment on film, to ink that perfect moment on canvas, to tape the sounds of perfection. Because perfection does occur, when you're happy, and contented, and living right in that moment, no one's gonna be able to steal that from you.

Uphills

2011-08-11T23:05:00.003+08:00

After all the hoohas and the uncertainties and the insecurities and the hatred and the downhill rides and etcetera, its pretty amazing when you realize you're still able to do what you used to always do, for the past 15 months and counting. That innate, natural ability.

That healing touch, assurance, with emotions running high on the high-speed runway with no turning back.

I'm really sorry, but no one can do it the way only one can. I'm really sorry but no one can do it better. I'm really sorry, but no one can buy the past 15 months with anything at all. I'm really sorry there are just some things that can't be given up, not when its your life.

And there isn't a need for anything to plague me cause there's nothing wrong here, all's well. Sort yourself out, maybe y'know, like, IKEA's organized mess.

And despite the dilemmas, rushes and all, I hope, no, actually, I know, and I'm glad that made you feel better (:

Imaginary, as always. Just actually, there's less of a need to be imaginary now, and its a good thing at that.

Today Ended Like A Car Crash

2011-08-11T00:51:00.001+08:00

I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down

I wanna feel a car crash
I wanna feel a capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel a car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

Push me 'til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars

I wanna feel a car crash
I wanna feel a capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel a car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

So right
It's all wrong

I'm wide awake and so alive

I wanna feel a car crash
I wanna feel a capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel a car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright